Twenty-Eight

I recently discovered a basket nearly filled to overflowing with my old journals. Looking back through them was enlightening, hilarious, painful. It was all the things life can be. Some entries were a mere recounting of events. Others were emotional explosions. Still others were secrets spilled into ink, things spoken aloud only once or twice even in all the years since they were penned.

The earliest entries I have are from January 1998, when I was eight years old. Now, twenty years later, on my 28th birthday, I begin again. For the last few years, journaling has been hit-and-miss, but not this year. This year, I will keep a chronicle of life. Five entries a week - regardless of their length - to capture my life. The mundane. The insane. The secrets. The joys and triumphs, the learning and failures.

There was one journal in my basket that stood out to me. It was one of the most thorough, completed start to finish, front and back sides of the pages, in exactly one year. In reading back through it, I was struck by my opening entry and my closing entries.

Below are excerpts from the end of each of those entries which helped inspire my goal for this year:

February 20, 2010

A journal keeps track of my progress for me and reminds me of my goals. A journal understands me. A journal is a part of me. Someday, when I am long gone, these pieces of me will remain. I am putting my 20 year old soul into these pages. Not for you or for those I love or for anyone. Just for me, because it is me. Read softly, carry a big heart.

February 20, 2011

Looking back at the beginning of this journal - one year ago today - it is easy to see all the change that can happen in 12 months time. Most of the questions that began the year I can now answer.

But the answers sometimes don't mean as much as the asking, and true connoisseurs of life have learned to appreciate the in-between.

There will always be more questions, more surprises, more answers, more reasons to laugh and love and cry.

There will not always be more minutes to ask, seek, love, cry or laugh. I think that is what people mean when they say to live in the moment.

Rather than living for the end of one journal or the beginning of another, live for each word that stitches together the events that make life. Some seams come apart, some are crooked, some will last a lifetime, but they're all necessary to make the quilt.

With that, I back stitch twice to secure the end of this particular line of stitches. Onto the next adventure.

Onto the next adventure indeed.

Dream Update: Week 37

September 23:
My mom and I were trying to get to this restaurant to get some pizza. In order to do so, we had to first walk through a labyrinth of modern art in the basement of this building. At the end  of the labyrinth, we went outside where there was a pond surrounded by red rock. Metal railings all around formed lines leading up to the edge of the pond, like lines for an amusement park ride. We were the only ones there and while we waited, we speculated about where the boat (that we somehow knew was coming) would take us, because the pond was relatively small and we didn't see a boat or restaurant anywhere nearby. Then we noticed in the middle of the pond was a sink hole of water with a neon-light pizza sign over it. Some other people got in line behind us then and the boat arrived to pick us up.

All of a sudden we were in the restaurant. It had no windows and a sort of dark arcade-like atmosphere (which makes sense I guess since this restaurant was underwater). A dad and his son were a floor below us down the stairs, taking our orders and doing a sort of comedy routine. But then the son tripped and fell. He was hurt and crying, so they ended their routine early.

Then I was trying to watch a movie with my mom, dad and brother Tyler. It was a fairy tale retelling with Anne Hathaway and also involved Lord of the Rings somehow. We couldn't get the movie to start at the first scene, though - it kept skipping ahead to the middle.

Then I dreamed I tried to make a BLT sandwich, but was somehow constantly foiled by the fact that I only had bacon, lettuce, and tomato to put on it. I'm not sure what the problem was.

I dreamed I got a letter back from a literary agent I'd sent my book to saying she'd never be able to rep a "hookless story" (weeps). The letter involved a lot of illustrations and was super snarky but also somehow in the end encouraged me to resubmit. My query letter about my book included the line "Alice: +2 strength, +1/2 midi" (I have no clue what midi is supposed to mean).

September 24:
This dream was set in the world of a D&D campaign I'm playing in. In it, I was acting as my character Viska and was talking to the Lady of the manor, trying to explain why Viska did what she'd done (broke something very precious to the Lady). I also had a peace token to give the lady (I don't recall now what it was, and I'm not sure of what her response was to my attempted apology either).

Jenna, Matt, Zack, and I went back our to old apartment to finish cleaning for the check out inspection. The apartment still had garbage and stuff all over, and the porch was half broken and falling down on one side. I was sure we wouldn't be getting our security deposit back. After cleaning up, Matt and Jenna wanted tacos, but of course we had no food and no cookware at our mostly empty, and now very clean, apartment. I said we could get cilantro rice in microwave bag and do that. They were all impressed.

Then I rode a horse bare back across a field among a herd of other horses, elk, and cows.

September 25:
I was grocery shopping and ran into my friend Will as I was leaving the store. It  was snowing outside, but they still had plants from the greenhouse out in the parking lot for some reason. Will insisted on walking me to my car, but I couldn't remember where I'd parked, so we went up and down the rows looking for it. A few times I told him to go and that I was fine, but he insisted (always the gentleman). Eventually I found my car and we parted ways.

My parents sent me a postcard while they were on vacation, but we didn't get it until they were already back home and we were in dad's truck with him. The postcard warned us about weather that was happening currently. I asked why they hadn't sent a text or called about the weather instead. Then as our conversation continued, I explained to them that if a certain politician was elected, businesses would have to have layoffs because the politician would put into effect a requirement that businesses pay for extra insurance for everyone. I crunched a bunch of numbers to prove my point that the extra insurance would cost businesses and employees more in the long run.

Then I dreamed that me and a bunch of others were kidnapped by nuns and taken away to a nun camp. I tried to call and text my parents and call 911.  The call to my parents didn't go through, but 911 answered. I started explaining what was happening as were driving through remote forest in vans toward the camp, only to realize the Sisters had detoured the call somehow and I was talking to one of them. I got in trouble with the Mother Superior, and my hands were beaten with a rod. Regardless, as soon as we were on the road again, I was looking for a way to escape. I tried to plead with our driver (a man hired by the Sisters) to release us but to no avail. Then I tried to make him to drive off the road by diving at him and yanking on the wheel, but to no avail. So we reached our destination which was this really old stone church in the middle of nowhere. I refused to participate in the services and such, but everyone else did out of fear. I wasn't given food for my disobedience.

Then in a completely separate dream, I was at DGT, my childhood church, and my mom gave an announcement during the service about pet adoptions. There were kittens everywhere. I walked outside in my socks to give a black one to my cousins Stephanie and Jamie before they drove away.

September 26:
I was in a beauty pageant where we had to participate in a footrace. Whoever won received free foundation for a year and got to meet with this fashionista chick who was apparently awesome for some reason. Me and this girl ended up tying for first, and when we went to meet Awesome Chick, the other winner was flipping out while I was sort of "whatever" about the whole thing. I just wanted to prove that I could win the race really. It wasn't so much about the prizes.

I then dreamed that a short stout woman in a black and red mini-checked suit started working at UNW, only UNW was a warehouse instead of a school.

I dreamed that I painted my face with alcohol-activated blue face paint (I was planning my blue Mystique Halloween costume at the time!) but I didn't have the special remover yet, so I was stuck with a blue face until it arrived in the mail.

September 27:
I dreamed I was at Chester Park in Duluth and a dog was swimming in/being pulled down river toward the big waterfall. The young girls who owned dog were on shore calling and freaking out, but the dog couldn't fight the current to swim upstream and escape. The girls' mom was partially downstream from the dog on the bank of the river and calling as well, but if the dog went toward her, the mom just moved a few steps closer to the falls.

I was high up above the river with Zack, Jason, Steph, Kelsey, Aaron, Adam and Liz having a picnic. I called to the dog because to come to me she'd swim with current diagonally, which is the best way to escape (see how logical I am, even in my dreams?). Eventually, this tactic got the dog to dry land in the middle of river where some rocks stuck up above the water. I noticed then that the mom was still calling to the dog, trying to get the dog off the rock and back into the water. It was then that I realized she was trying to kill the dog.

I sprinted down this long path to the river (and I was actually able to run fast in my dream...usually I get stuck in that slow motion mode). By the time I reached the edge of the waterfall though, the dog had already gone over the falls and the mom was standing on the bank nearby holding a long, bloody knife. I jumped over the waterfall to find the dog, but I couldn't find her anywhere at the bottom no matter how many times I dove down looking. I realized at this point that the dog was Debra, Zach and Rachel's dog (though the mom and girls at the top of the falls are unrelated in real life). Finally, I found her, stabbed and wet, but alive off to the edge of the river. I picked her up and carried her out of the river along with a canister with firewood and a gun in it that had been hidden underwater.

I walked through the woods to the road where a military convoy was driving by. I hailed them and they stopped. I explained my situation and then set my canister down and walked a few steps back saying there was a gun inside. They all aimed weapons at me. I waited with Debra. Eventually they let me ride with them back to safety and got Debra all stitched up.

I dreamed that Zack and I were elves at a wonderful festival with fairy lights and music and dancing in the trees. Then orcs attacked. There was a great battle and Zack pushed me down to hide me away from the orcs. We won the battle and then returned to our dancing.

Dreamed Zack, this random guy, and me were making a song. The guy had a mini keyboard and kept the beat, I "played" a zipper on a duffel bag, and Zack sang.

September 28:
I was running Dungeons and Dragons for Zack, Hunter and Carter. I had created a list of what essentially amounted to nine different quest options, each with its own narrative flavor and associated reward. I started describing each quest, but Carter got impatient and said to just list the rewards so they could pick based on that. I was annoyed at this because I'd put in so much time on the story piece of it, but I quickly told them their reward options anyway.

I was driving on the entrance ramp from Snelling onto 694 when a police car a few cars back from me turned on its lights. I pulled over to let him by but he stopped behind me. I was shocked because I had no idea what I'd done wrong. He sat behind me and after a few minutes he just pulled away, going instead to a car stopped a few feet in front of me. The car had a woman and her young daughter inside. While the police talked to the woman, I got out and kept her child company/distracted. I went to a restaurant after where I'd been heading to meet with Zack, some old co-workers from KM, and Ryan for lunch. I told them how odd the whole police event had been.

The lunch crew was then all taking this engineering class together but at the last minute our final project/presentation failed. The teacher flipped out about how little homework he'd given us just so we'd have time to do this project and how he was going to start assigning all the busywork of chapter reading and response questions from here on out since we were so irresponsible, etc. etc.

September 29:
I dreamed that Zack and I were visiting a veteran's hospital and there was a soldier there who had lost her legs. President Bush was there and thanked her for her service. Zack did too. He cried and gave her a hug. She cried too.

Then I was part of this obstacle course mystery race thing. It was sort of a free for all, but with a time limit like those "escape the room" scenarios. It was set in medieval times, and we were trying to solve the mystery of the werewolf (Real or not? Who is it? etc). There was an obstacle with floating mat across a pond. I tried to sprint over it, but fell with my head in the water and feet caught up on the mat. I couldn't get my head out of water and was sure I'd die, but I got up eventually. The next bridge we came to had people going both ways across it. I let one person from other side go and was about to cross myself when someone else from the otherwise went. Then someone else. I got angry and told them they had to take turns. They let me run across then. I hid in this wooden structure like the old play front park in Duluth, back when it was super awesome, but one of the scenario's characters found me. He gave me a clue about the wolf and then got all panicked and said, "The wolf is coming!" I hid in a cabinet like the cabinets in our old camper, but I couldn't quite pull the door closed behind me.

I dreamed I went to a movie theater in Moose Lake that was super small, shaped like an I, and had mirrors on the wall. Apparently it was in the old elementary school gym.

Then I dreamed that I was back in college and went to class only to find that the only available seat was up front directly beside the teacher, facing the rest of the class. Class started and partway through Sarah (old volleyball teammate) and her sister Liz walked in very loudly with a bunch of shopping bags, disrupting the class. They say down and class continued (we were learning about fractions). Then Liz started playing the piano super, super loud (I have no idea where the piano came from). This was this poor teacher's first ever class, and she leaned over to ask me if this was normal. I said no. So, the teacher got Liz to stop, and I confronted her and Sarah, explaining that while they may be here to goof off, I was here to learn.

Dream Update: Week 36

September 16:
There was some event at my old church (VBS maybe?)....aaaand something about driving some sort of water/submarine type vehicle. It was all very hazy.

September 17:
I dreamed that I was getting married at an outdoor ceremony at a very oversized version of my grandpa's old house in Moose Lake. While we were all still getting ready prior to the ceremony, it started raining so the wedding party ran under a big white tent. I was fine with the rain and the sudden change of plans, but one of my bridesmaids was sobbing and freaking out about the day being ruined. We went inside to get her cleaned up. There we found my sister Nicole, brother-in-law Matt and their kids as well as Matt's sisters Molly and Carly. All of them were wearing Vikings pajama pants. After calming the bridesmaid down, I ran into my cousin Jamie. She told me she was mad because I didn't come to Thanksgiving the year before.

Later I dreamed I was on a helicopter tour flying over a city with a big river running through it.

September 18:
I was staying with my mom and dad in a fancy high-rise condo. I painted half a wall red so I could use it as a backdrop for a costume photo. Then I painted my face blue (I remember specifically with Snazaroo paint) and put on my Mystique costume.

President Obama showed up then and when I addressed him as such, he looked at me and said, "Call me Commander Chief Overlord." He gave me a hug and I told him I appreciate the tone and tenor of his voice, especially in light of the current voices we're hearing running for office.

Later (still at the condo) there was a baby and some others visiting. Everyone was sitting in lawn chairs in the living room. I watched the baby for a bit then gave her back to her mom. Baby crawled under a table and tried to eat some Legos that were left there. I saw this and ran over, getting the Lego out of her mouth before she swallowed it. Everyone blamed me that she'd gotten to the Lego in the first place, even when I tried to explain that I'd handed her off to her mom. The house also had a glass cage with a hamster inside...just an added random detail I guess.

September 19:
Zack and I got a new black and white cat. The cat didn't adjust well though, and pooed in the food dish and peed outside the litter box. Not the ideal situation.

Alyssa, Jenna, one or two others, and I were competing in a 5k mud run. We had to go down a giant slide at my old house and get past a certain line at the bottom before we slowed to a stop. We kept missing the mark and having to walk up the hill over and over again. The girls slowed down so I had to keep encouraging them to get them up the hill, which I ran up each time. When we were finally successful, we moved onto the monkey bar obstacle set up at my high school. It was late and dark by that time, but we went anyway because I was determined to finish no matter how long it took.

We found a baby in the swing at the school's playground, but there were no parents around, so we called the police. Alyssa and I played on the tire swing and took a bunch of selfies together.

September 20:
I dreamed that Zack woke me up at three in the morning to get ready for the Renaissance Festival. I was so excited that I couldn't go back to sleep. I was getting ready in a diner that hadn't yet opened for the day. The diner was built out of an old boxcar. There was a Grumpy's down the street where Matt and Jenna agreed to meet, but then Jenna wasn't able to make it and Matt didn't want to go since she couldn't.

Then I dreamed my house caught on fire. I watched from the street outside as the roof caved in and erupted in flames. My heart was pounding so fast I went to the hospital to get checked out. They had wheelchairs shaped like airplanes. I draped myself over the back of one and got to the counter to check in. The doctor used his stethoscope and took my blood pressure with it somehow (it was 113/70). He said in was fine. I said obviously not (although I'm pretty sure that's a perfectly normal blood pressure).

September 21:
I dreamed that I was driving to my old job at Knowledge Marketing and a light on my dashboard lit up. It said:  "no aux engine oil@" and also "reserve tank low." I'm not sure what "aux engine oil" light was, but the reserve tank was a smaller bonus tank of gas that your car would go to when it was on Empty. The tank cost double per gallon to fill (not sure how that worked). When I finally did get to work, no one knew how to train me in on the job and then they assigned me to train in the new person.

Zack and I had a lengthy discussion with the producer of a tv show similar to Project Runway about how our world is not setup to allow you to fail or be wrong, so everyone is always trying to be perfect but need really learning because of it. Instead, people experience shame when they fail, but they shouldn't.

I dreamed my friend Adam was counseling this young boy at a Disney amusement park. First he referred to the boy as "little boy" but then he quickly amended to "young man." Zack and I wanted to go on a Disney cruise but it was going to be way too expensive, so we didn't do it.

September 22:
I dreamed I was taking two newbies surfing for the first time (disclaimer: I've never been surfing myself in real life). We wiped out on this massive wave, and I tumbled back to shore. But they didn't. I searched the water frantically but never found them.

Zack was in a screamo band and, after his band did a show at this little pub that was not well received, he got back up on stage and started this song in response to the crowd's boo's. The song was just screaming over and over again, "All five songs of our main core suck! All 5 songs of our main core suck!! All 5 songs of our main core...suuuuuck!!!!" The crowd loved it.

Our friends Joel and Sarah went out with us for Zack's birthday. After buying us an expensive dinner and drinks, we decided to play some pool. Sarah asked if we could split the cost of the game but Joel looked at her like she was crazy and said, "On his birthday? I don't think so! We got this man." I said, "No really. We don't expect you guys to pay for everything. We're happy to split the cost." But Joel paid for it anyway.

I dreamed I was being held captive in a dingy medieval prison. The guards wore helmets with giant deer antlers on them (a la the huntsmen at the Manor - thank you current D&D game).

Twenty-Seven

For the last year, I have been recording every dream I had, every single day.

And let me tell you - I'm exhausted.

It's really tiring to have the first thing on your brain every morning be, "Quick! Jot some notes down before you forget!" Every. day. Every dreary Monday. Every lazy Saturday. On Christmas and the Fourth of July. On days when you just want to lie there and stare at the ceiling for a while to let the haze of sleep wear off slowly.

But I'm glad I did it.

And I'm glad I'm done.

Or...well...mostly done. I'm still working on compiling my months of notes into coherent enough snippets to post here for all to see, but tomorrow morning when I wake up, I won't be jotting more notes in my phone. I'm pumped.

But it's a new year - today I turned 27! And that means it's time for a new goal.

So here we go - my goal for this new year of life:

Write and send one letter every week.

I mean a real letter. A physical thing with a stamp and handwriting.

That's 52 letters.

Maybe they'll be to 52 different people. Maybe they'll be 52 letters to the same person (oh, you poor soul to have to read my rantings every week!) Maybe they'll be short or long or just plain awkward. The art of letter writing is on the verge of extinction; I know I'm rusty for sure. And in the age of digital communication, it's even more challenging. It's like you need an excuse to send a letter as opposed to an email or Facebook message or text or Snapchat.

So, here's my excuse: it's my goal for the year.

Watch your mailboxes, people! And I don't mean refresh your web browser. I mean make friends with your mailperson.

Now off to buy some stamps...

Dream Update: Week 35

September 9:
My friend Jenna was at our old apartment and wanted me to make some vegetable dish for dinner. I needed a couple things from the store, including bottle of dressing because, although I had some, it was old. So we hopped in my car and as we came to an intersection, Jenna reached over to adjust the radio. Somehow her doing this got in the way of my ability to reach the brake pedal. I swerved into the turn lane to give myself extra time to stop and managed to stop just in time, but then we were going the wrong way and got lost. She offered to just scrub the labels off my expired bottles instead...because that'll help.

My friend Anna came over and I was going to play wiffle ball with her, but she refused no matter how much I told her the balls wouldn't hurt even if they hit her. It was nighttime and dark out anyway, so I'm  not sure what I was thinking.

September 10:
I dreamed that Zack was running a D&D, but I was playing Viska. The whole party was inches from dying from this evil woman who was a cook at this sucky gas station diner. I told Zack that if Viska died here, I was still going to play her in our usual campaign because this wasn't canon anyway.

September 11:
I dreamed that I carried our cat Kahlua into the state fair. Naturally she was freaking out. I introduced her to my friend Will and his sister Rosa and all her kids, who greatly enjoyed petting Kahlua.

Then they all ate Taco Bell, but it was like a healthier version (whole wheat tortillas and fresh tomatoes and such). Then I took a ride down a lazy river on a motorized floaty air mattress. As I went down the river (which took on the feel of Venice at some point), people started thinning out until there were just a few of us left. Soon I was the only one on the river and there was no one on the sidewalks either. I ended up at a wall with a grate in it that the river continued through but the raft wouldn't fit. I got out of the water only to find myself face-to-face with this guy in a yellow t-shirt who I'd bumped into at the fair earlier a couple times. We were on a brick sidewalk among all these brick pillars and archways, lit only by a few orange streetlights since the sun had set. He approached me and I said hi and began walking toward the nearest building.

"I know you've noticed me a couple times today," he said, following after me. "But you didn't notice me at the cotton candy stand. Or when you pet the baby cows. Or when you rode the Ferris wheel."

Now I was getting freaked out, because I definitely didn't notice this stalker guy all day, but I didn't want to make him mad. So I tried to walk a little faster and casually said, "Yeah, I've had a busy day."

I was about to reach the doors of the building when he grabbed my arm and whirled me around to face him. He was holding a knife, but I wasn't scared so much as I was very, very alert. I was thinking, Where's my nearest exit? Does he look serious or just empty threat? Is he insane or level-headed about this? Can I stall long enough and hope someone else comes down this dead end lazy river path to help?

I don't remember what happened then, only that next thing I knew I was inside the building and walking toward little restaurant. It has all this decadent, albeit worn out, furniture strewn around it with antique lights and big potted plants scattered around. There was a small window to the kitchen and that area is all modern stainless steel and dark gray and purple paint. It was super clean and the chef was working back there getting things ready.

I started talking to the owner of the restaurant, this very nervous older gentleman, who came out to greet me. I told him that window should be larger since their kitchen is so fantastic. I argued that people would feel better about the somewhat threadbare furniture if they knew the kitchen was tip-top. As I moved into the restaurant telling the owner my other suggestions, I realized that the only customers inside were all women of around the same age - like mid-40s - and all very pretty and all very serious and all watching me. I realized too late that they were all vampires (not the owner, he just worked for them) and that they intended to make me one too. They brought me into this back room where there were all these dark velvet drapes and a big poster bed where I was supposed to rest after they'd bitten me. I don't remember what happened after that except I woke up in the bed later with blood all over my neck and the sheets.

September 12:
My friend Anna was going to the Regionals competition in Speech and was trying to figure out what to wear. She had on a skirt and blazer, but the skirt was a little too short. She said she'd just sew fabric on the bottom. Such a problem solver.

I dreamed I was at my old job at Knowledge Marketing and was going to happy hour after work. I had my cat Kahlua in the car all day though, so I took her into the bar with me so she could stretch her legs. I got a booth in the corner where she'd be out of the way, but then no one came to sit by me, instead opting to sit at a busy table in the middle. I had a drink alone and then left. I guess I have a subconscious fear that my cat will be my only friend.

September 13:
I talked to these women who had developed a fitness game. I had some issues with how the game was set up. They were offended at first, but when I explained my reasoning along with the things that I thought were good about the game, they became more receptive. One of them offered to give me a dental exam (why? I don't know) but when I got in the chair it became clear she was a cosmetologist and not a dentist. She had me swish with argon oil from an aerosol can and spit into a sink that had a hot curling iron in it. Yikes.

September 14:
I was hanging out in my office at work with Jenna, Adam and a guy from an RPG podcast I listen to. Adam was telling me about Magic the Gathering and how I really ought to give it a try. Meanwhile, as I was sitting behind my desk, I realized that I wasn't wearing pants and quick pulled a blanket over my legs before anyone noticed. Adam asked if I was cold, and I said yes. He thought that was weird, but Jenna caught on and helped cover for me until I could sneakily pull some jeans on. No one except her caught on. Whew!

I dreamed that Zack and our brother-in-law Matt were trying to get a photo by the ocean with a floating sun in the back. The sun kept disappearing just as I took the photo though so we never got the photo they wanted.

September 15:
I dreamed that we bought a house with all these half-step rooms (like where there's suddenly a "stage" a few feet up or down in the same room). My mom and I were discussing if we could use the glass from the coffee table to cover one of the "down" areas to make the room all level. There was a HUGE TV stand/shelving unit and a big sectional in the room to deal with too.

I dreamed that Zack and I went to Hawaii. While there, he discovered a Pizza Hut stand on the beach. He said it was "the last one left ever." He wanted pizza for breakfast, but I said no. Later, I struggled to pick out a swimsuit for the beach.

Dream Update: Week 34

Recording every dream I have for 365 days...
 
September 3:
I went to my parents house to find that my dad had all his camping stuff super-mega organized, but very thing else in the house was an absolute disaster.
I then dreamed that my niece Natalie sneezed like 29 times in a row and then refused to wash her hands.
My sister Nicole wanted forcibly dye my hair to "make me feel better" (though I'm not sure now what about exactly).

September 4:
I dreamed that I was a show manager on The Bachelor. The show was held at Northwestern, and I had to try to wrangle all the contestants and their drama. It was horrible. Basically just a lot of tears and girls trying to sneak out to see the Bachelor. One girl tried to crash his one on one with someone else!

Then I dreamed I was out and about somewhere and I ran into this guy who came up to me freaking out and saying, "No way! You're Viska!" (my D&D character). After he gushed for a while more, he asked for my autograph.

 September 5:
I dreamed that I was Viska (guess I was thinking about her a lot!) and I was in this impossibly tall old house (sort of like my sister's awesome historic home). I did a lot of sneaking around because I wasn't supposed to be there (very Viska-like). I then discovered that Vikings lived there. They were absolutely brutal. They'd taken prisoners and late at night brought them to this room. I crept along with the group to see what was going to happen, but the Vikings discovered me. They made me watch as they brutally executed each prisoner. I got word somehow that there was a prisoner who had drown herself in the pool upstairs rather than let the Vikings kills her. I thought that if I could get there fast enough, I could get her out and do CPR to save her. I took of, running up flight after flight of stairs and finally got to the pool, diving straight in and pulling the woman out. I started CPR and a moment later she spit out a bunch of water and started breathing again.

I dreamed I was in a big garage at my Uncle Todd's house. There were Great Pyrenees dogs running around everywhere, which was super awesome. Zack and I managed the office part of my uncle's construction business, but then the workers made Zack go help pour concrete in his office work clothes, and I had to help lay brick. There were worms under all the old brick we pulled up. It was horrible. One of the workers had long curly red hair that was tangled in a mass heap the dome of his hard hat.

September 6:
I was in my childhood home's living room at Christmastime. My friend Jenna was there because she wasn't able to go home for Christmas that year (we were in college at this time). Our Christmas tree was primarily decorated with fake birds.

Then I dreamed I was at an amusement park. My mother-in-law Carrie and I ate separately from everyone else in the Schlottman family so we could catch up. We ended up meeting this little boy with his distracted, texting dad. We ended up accidentally on a roller coaster with them (not quite sure how, since we both had agreed not to do big rides). The dad texted the whole time. Another girl on the roller coaster had a band aid fall off somewhere along the track, and they had to shut the ride down and bring maintenance in to find it.

I dreamed that an overweight woman got angry at me for wearing a bikini in the pool, saying it wasn't "appropriate swim attire." I reminded her that bikinis are common swimwear, but she continued to argue. Another larger woman got in the pool, also wearing a bikini, but the woman said nothing to her while continuing to berate me. I accused her of discriminating based on body type. If a bikini was inappropriate for me, then it was inappropriate for everyone, right?

Then I dreamed I was in the 80s, and this one spoon I have currently in real life was the most common spoon back then. I don't know why, but that felt so important.

September 7:
My niece Natalie drew a picture of herself, her parents, her brother Mason, my sister Tawnya and I. We were all pirates and had cool captain's jackets and swords. Nicole's jacket was red and black while Tawnya's was black and gold.

Dreamed that I was a child at attending the fair. At one of the exhibits, the ring leader guy asked for two male volunteers. I volunteered anyway. He said we'd be working with a scratchy pig, as if that would dissuade me. I said I was perfectly capable of that. The pig was mean and had big teeth. He charged one of the on-lookers who glared back until the pig left. The on-looker also had big teeth, but the ringleader told us that the pig charged because the man was "projecting negativity."

I dreamed my brother Tyler and I were trying to play Boggle, but he insisted on using the wrong board for it and a bunch of extra pieces from Monopoly and other random board games. After playing, we transplanted my little tree into a larger pot and added special soil that my dad gave us from the boundary waters. It had clam shells in it.

September 8:
I was attending Northwestern with high school classmates Anna, Ronne, Matthew and some others. Matt was in ROTC and was training a golden retriever named Max. Max didn't want to get in the car with us, but then Matt got a treat and Max jumped right in. Matt had diabetes and had to give himself insulin shots all the time. Anna said she had diabetes too, but the hospital refused to give her insulin for some reason.

Then Anna and I went to this half-bridge where you had to crawl under this little hinged slat to get inside (I'm not really sure how the physics of this worked...sort of like a room below the bridge but not one you could see from the outside). It was really hard to get back out, like one of those animal traps that only allow the creature to go in one way. We barely managed to escape.

Nativity and the Heart of God

Christmas became an interesting time for me this year. I say "interesting" in a very Minnesota-passive-aggressive way. You know...

"That's an interesting sweater choice."
"He's an interesting fellow."
"What an interesting idea."

Those times in which "interesting" really means just about anything but.

So let me try again.

Christmas took on a unique kind of loss-fueled joy for me this year. And though it has everything to do with all the chatter of virgin births and images of a round belly covered in soft blue robes, it's not what you think it is. The concept of Jesus' arrival as an infant doesn't cause hurt in a new way in the face of our infertility diagnosis, not really. I mean - God as baby is never something we'd dreamed of and hoped for. It's a hope that's already been fulfilled. Nothing lost there.

Instead, I am reminded of journals I'd written years ago in which I marveled that one day (someday) I would know a little of what Mary felt. That I would understand what it was like to carry a child inside and wonder what he or she might become. That I would feel her same pain and joy. That she and I would have some unique bond that "all women" share.

I am quickly realizing just how many women are excluded from "all women" - and it's something I never would have been so sensitive to before. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that rather than connecting with Mary who is long dead, I instead get to connect to women here today who are hurting in much the same way that I am.

But there's something even better.

So much better.

And I'm still only beginning to grasp it.

I may not have this mystical, biological connection to Mary that, for whatever reason, I always dreamed about. That's true.

But God (if there ever were two better words in life, I haven't met them yet)...But God adopted us.

God, in the ultimate show of love and the ultimate triumph over grief and despair, calls us children of Light when we otherwise would be children of Darkness.

As Zack and I prayerfully and tentatively reach out to the new world of adoption, I'm realizing that instead of connecting with Mary, I am being drawn into deeper understanding of the heart of God. It's a part of God I wouldn't be exploring so intimately without this push.

I'm learning that God's longing to bring us into His kingdom is powerful enough to take the hard road. (Adoption, we are discovering, is like wading into a war zone where you try to make sure you take as many stripes as you can to protect the child in the midst of it...and we're only at the point of emotionally diving into adoption; already we're feeling the winds start to pick up.) I'm understanding in a very real way how God's adoption of us isn't an addition tacked onto His "real" family - it is His best. It's Him stamping his name indelibly over our hearts, a shining beacon saying, "This one...this one's mine. And I'll fight like hell if you try to take them away from me because I fought hell to get them here."

So Christmas was interesting this year.

I'm letting go of what I thought I knew and making room for so much more than I thought was possible. My scope has been widened to include more. It's a more that we don't often hear about or celebrate. It's a more that has been illuminated this year by strings of lights and a child in a manger, one who came to this world to sign our adoption papers with his blood.