Mom Quotes

I love my mom.

My husband is constantly pointing out the mannerisms and phrases I have that are exactly like her.

That said, my mom is perhaps one of the easiest people to tease ever. (And she takes it well, which is good because the hubs and I recently went camping for over a week with my parents and there was a lot of teasing to be had.) Being a writer, I always had a notebook on hand throughout the trip. The first page of my notebook? Mom Quotes.

Here are some of the things (verbatim) my mom said throughout our trip:

"I think I sprayed hairspray in my yogurt."

"You turned on my heat seaters."

On how many coffee grounds she uses...
Mom: "I have a 2/3 cup scoop so I do one full scoop with a flat top and then another half a scoop."
Me: "So you mean a cup?"


While enjoying a spectacular view: "You should see this through my sunglasses!" *hands glasses to me* "They're prescription. Is that a problem?"

Mom: "We loved our Dutchmen [camper]."
Dad: "We never had a Dutchmen.

"I'm going to throw some tree sap at you."

"We think we should go into Fantasy Falls--the not so general store. ...It's not what you think it is."

"If you call me Grammie one more time, you're all going to be rolling down the hill blowing your whistles!"

Regarding our 22.5 mile hike, which, for the record, was my idea...
Me: "Whose brilliant idea was that?"
Mom: "Mine! I take credit for the brilliant ideas!"

Regarding the chipmunks in the campground...
"If you took off the cuteness, it would just be evil underneath."

"I don't like this song. It could have been written by a five year old."

When I asked if she wanted a slice of my margherita pizza...
Mom: "Does it taste like margaritas?"
Me: "No."
Mom: "Then I don't want any."

Later on the same topic...
Mom: "If they're different things, they should spell them differently!"
Zack: "They are spelled differently."
Mom: "Stop talking to me about spelling!"

Zack: "How much kahlua do you put in [your coffee]?"
Mom: "Oh I just dump until it feels like a tablespoon."
Dad: "Dump??"

"The first time I bought kahlua it was for Christmas and it lasted me until the next Christmas. The next bottle lasted me until about June. Then the next one was about...three months."

"I came back here just to light up your world."

At one point during the trip my mom just looked at me in silence for a long time. When I asked her why she wasn't talking, she said she was scared to say anything because I had my notebook out. I'm glad she didn't stop talking the whole time!

Love you, mom!

How I Outlined a Novel on Accident

Okay, so it wasn't totally on accident (but it made a good title, right?). Usually, I don't even outline novels. I'm lucky to keep one step ahead of my characters, but this time was different, and I'm all for that. Every novel is its own animal, so I can't expect the leash that wrangled the last one onto a word doc to tame the new beast raging around in my head.

But we're getting off topic. How did I end up accidentally outlining this novel?

It went a little something like this:

"You know, I think I need to take some time to just focus on editing this most recent manuscript. I'm going to give myself the freedom to do that by putting writing new content on the back burner for a while."

*shifts pot to back burner*

"But, boy, wouldn't basil be good in that back pot?"

*makes a note about basil even though I have no idea what else will be in the pot with it*

*repeat over the following weeks*

Pretty soon I had a big stack of note cards with little snippets and ideas written on them. Some of the ideas were very hazy. Things like "Car chase? Crash?" and "Friendly rivalry?".

Others were actual snippets of scenes, a few lines of dialogue. Things like:

The woman hesitates. "It's bad, Alice."
My stomach drops.
"You should really get over there now."

and

"What makes you think I'd believe anything you say?"
"Have you misled you so far?"
"Benedict Arnold could have asked the same question."
"You'll have to answer that question for yourself then. You said it yourself--why would you believe anything I say?"

Then one night, I fished all my note cards out of the depths of my purse and my computer bag from work and the sides of my desk drawers and started pinning them to my corkboard. Fifteen minutes, a few new cards, and a lot of rearranging later, I sat back and looked at my next novel outlined in front of me.

Sure, there are missing spots and I'm not quite sure how to actually get to some of the scenes on that board, but I know where I want it to go, beginning to end.

The brain is an amazing, amazing thing. I wasn't intentionally outlining or even thinking deeply about this novel, but all those snippets came together in a beautiful way.

Now, just to write it...

The Ten Commandments of Twitter Pitch Contests

A Twitter pitch contest is a great opportunity to start a "relationship" with an agent so you don't have to send your query in cold. Participating in the contests can be confusing, so I wanted to share my 10 Commandments of Twitter Pitch Contests. The advice here varies from Twitching manners to the construction of the pitch itself. I hope it is helpful!

1. Keep your pitch to one tweet. Don't split it between two. Don't link to the "rest" of it. 140 characters is all you've got for your pitch and any necessary hashtags. Use it wisely.

2. Don't flood the feed. Most contests will dictate how many times throughout the day you are allowed to post your pitch (generally, it is once or twice per hour) but read the contest rules. If you post more often in hopes that more eyes will see your pitch, you'll get your wish, but the feeling towards you won't be a positive one--from agents or from the writing community in general.

3. Stick to one (MAYBE two) named characters. There simply isn't space to name more than that.

4. Avoid asking questions, rhetorical or otherwise. Of course, there are always exceptions, but this seems to be the general consensus among agents.

5. Favorites are for agents. Don't favorite a fellow writer's tweet in hopes of encouraging them. You'll only give them the false joy that an agent wants to see more of their work, and they'll be sad when it's just little ol' you. If you want to show support for your fellow writings, retweet their pitch instead.

6. State the stakes. It's tough with such limited space, but do include the stakes in your pitch. What will happen if your MC doesn't succeed? Be as specific as possible.

7. Vary your pitches. Say that you can post twice an hour and the contest runs for eight hours. That's sixteen chances to get your pitch out there. Rather than posting the same thing sixteen times, vary your pitches. Come up with several strong pitches and rotate through them. When you do repeat a pitch, be sure to switch up the wording or order of words, otherwise Twitter may flag the repeated tweet as spam and you'll miss valuable pitch opportunities.

8. Respect the time limits. If the contest runs from 8AM - 8PM PST, tweet only within those hours. Be sure to adjust accordingly if that is outside your time zone and don't be that person who is posting hours early or hours late. It's bad juju.

9. Be prepared. Schedule your tweets in advance using sites like TweetDeck or HootSuite, then you don't have to worry about missing a tweet day-of.

10. Seek feedback. There are plenty of people who offer to critique Twitter pitches free of charge, so take advantage of these opportunities ahead of time (follow blogs, twitter feeds, etc. of other writers as they will often notify people in advance of these opportunities). You could always try offering a "give to get" as well! Swap pitches, offer feedback, and even if you don't hit gold (stars, that is) with an agent, you might just make a new best friend.

Best of luck to you in all your Twitching endeavors!

On Missionettes and Why I Never Earned My Tiara

When I was growing up, my church had this program for girls called Missionettes. It's sort of the Christian equivalent of Girl Scouts (not sure what's wrong with plain old Girl Scouts, but that's another conversation. Probably one that would lead into my conversation about how I would have LOVED to learn what the Pioneers/Boy Scouts were learning and never had the chance. While they tied knots and made arrows, we were no joke learning how to stir in mixing bowls without spilling. Seriously? *insert explicative of your choice*).

Needless to say, I wasn't super enthused about the whole thing, but one year I decided (or was coerced? I'm not quite sure) into giving it at try. Really the prevailing reason was that when you reached the end of the program and earned all your badges, you got to participate in the graduation ceremony. You wore a silk cape and a tiara and got a rose. Really, what more could a girl ask for? Because even though I wanted to make derby cars and learn to build fires, I still wanted that tiara, too.

Since I was starting later than the other girls, my sash was woefully lacking in way of badges. Being the person I am, I decided to make quick work of that. I worked my tail off so I could get caught up by the time our first badge ceremony came around. Most of the stuff was pretty stupid. I remember that part of earning the health badge involved tracking how many cookies you ate each day. Even my pre-teen brain could figure that one out--"I ate zero cookies today...AND A MILLION DONUTS! NOW GIVE ME MY HEALTH BADGE, YOU FLOOZIES!"

Regardless, by the time the ceremony rolled around, I had pretty much caught up to everyone else and was prepared to officially gain the mountain of badges I'd earned. We gathered on the stage, our parents gathered in the seats, the older girls got their silk capes and tiaras (with the rest of us younglings salivating over them). When my turn came, I walked up expecting a mountain of badges. That's what I'd earned. Instead, I got only a few.

Afterwards, I confronted my teacher about it. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went down. I believe it had something to do with them saying I couldn't earn that many at once/there's no way anyone could have done that amount of work in that amount of time (which clearly demonstrates how little they knew me!)

What I definitely remember is the result: none of those missing badges for me.

I never went back to Missionettes again.

They'd screwed me over. I'd earned something, and they hadn't delivered. I felt scammed and taken advantage of. I felt like the girls who had been in the program longer were the favorites, and I was getting scammed as the newbie. And hell if I was going to give them one more ounce of my time.

I like to think there's a lesson in here somewhere.

That as teachers or leaders, at home or in the workplace, we ought to be especially careful to give credit when it is earned, because when someone works for something, has been promised something, and you fail to come through on it, you may just lose them entirely.

And also, for the love of God and all that is good and holy in the world, let the girls tie knots!

My Google Search History

You often hear writers talking about how their search histories are going to get them in trouble (hi, NSA!). While this book didn't have nearly the amount of suspicious searches as my previous one did (heh, yeah), I still thought it would be fun to compile a list of a few of the searches that I actually used for the book I just finished (draft 1 of) tonight! 

Without further ado...

“What is another word for abstemiousness?”

“How are CIA Agents sworn in?”

“Cool rocks” – Yup, I get real specific sometimes.

“Treat cracked rib”

“Fly to Afghanistan”

“What does it look like when someone dies from cardiac arrest?”

“Batrachotoxin and humans”

“Fast acting poisons”

“Saxitoxin”

“Worst Arabic insults”

“Hiking in Afghanistan”

“Funny zoology terms” – Note to self: anyone who would know these terms, doesn’t think of them as funny. Such a shame.

“How long does it take a brand to heal”

“Day by day photos of branding burn healing” – I actually found this. It was simultaneously super helpful and probably one of the most disturbing things I have seen. The blogger was very descriptive.

“McLaren 675 LT United States” – this car though. Seriously. *wants*

“What does julekake taste like” – Because actually making it would just be too difficult

“What happens if you spray someone in the face with Windex?” – As it turns out, not much. Unless they try to kill you for it, in which case, you have a scene.

“Heel and toe shifting” – I am seriously impressed by anyone who can do this

“How long does an MRI take”

“Spinal injuries”

“Caesium and water” – one very cool reaction!

“Sodium polyacrylate” – essentially a fancy word for the stuff inside diapers

“High stakes poker” – not going to lie, I actually really like watching poker on TV. I watched more than I needed to in order to write the scene.

“How does Kevlar work?”

“How electrical panels work?”

“Hydraulics for free fall”

“The science of telling lies”

“Stunt driving phrases”

There you have it! My Google search history behind the first draft of Beakers! I know I've got more research to do to get this draft cleaned up and ready to go. More searches to come!

Happy Endings...Not So Happy?

Have you ever read a book that ended TOO happily?

Too many characters survived? Too many relationships ended in hugs and handshakes? Too many catastrophes were easily averted?

I recently finished reading a book whose final five pages neatly did the following:

• Resolved the love triangle as the protagonist chooses between the two men she's been flip-flopping between for the last three books. The one she doesn't choose is fine with it, just like that.
• The guy she doesn't choose is immediately asked out on a date by a secondary character. The implication is that they'll live happily ever after.
• Four or five characters show up randomly (truly, out of nowhere) like "Hey, we're alive!" Despite the fact that there were numerous overwhelming obstacles in their way. This is not really explained.
• The warring parties (think hundreds, thousands of people) are gonna be just hunky-dory. Forget the angst of the past. Let's sing "Kumbaya" and roast marshmallows everybody.

I couldn't handle it. It was such a neat little ribbon, so condensed and sudden, that I simply could not suspend my disbelief. Maybe if these events had happened earlier, sort of scattered throughout. But no. The last five pages.

It's just unrealistic. I'm all for the hero winning at the end, but there needs to be balance in the force (as it were). This book was part of a trilogy that spent three books building up these insurmountable odds. The payoff of a five page, happy-go-lucky wrap up was so unfulfilling.


When you write, you are making promises to your reader all through your work. When you introduce your protagonist to the drop-dead gorgeous boy, you're promising that something is going to happen there. It doesn't have to be a GOOD thing! She could find out he's a total jerk or that he's an alien or that he's a figment of her imagination, but the promise is made that drop-dead gorgeous is going to play a role. When you set up cataclysmic events to thwart your hero, you're promising that IF your hero is going to win, it's going to be in an even more epic way, not by some simple shoulder shrug.

It's all about keeping your promises.

I know I struggle with endings in my own writing. I tend to stop too early and leave readers feeling unfulfilled (sorry!) so I almost always have to go back to my endings and take my time with them.

What books have you read that made good on their promises? What books had superb endings that are worth waiting for (without giving them away, of course)? Any advice for writing awesome endings?

Quick Tip: Editing #1: Text-to-Voice

Have a text-to-voice program read your work aloud to you. You'll catch things you missed the first time through, or even reading aloud on your own (which is also recommended). The voice will sound strange and electronic at first, but I promise that as you listen, it becomes far less noticeable. Or maybe the machines are learning...

Personally, as an added bonus, I am able listen to my work while I'm AT work this way. I don't do any serious editing there of course, but it helps me stay connected with my story and listen for plot holes along the way. It's also useful as I occasionally hear events that I foreshadowed early on in the book but never actually wrote in later.