Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Dream Update: Week 30
As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).
Without further ado, here's week 30:
August 6:
I was camping in my parent's camper with my parents, Zack, my siblings, and our cat Kahlua. I'd taken Kahlua outside in the morning when a ginormous black bear started walking toward our campsite. I tried to grab Kahlua to get her inside, but she was simultaneously trying to scramble under the camper.
As I wrestled with Kahlua, trying to keep hold on her, I yelled for those inside the camper to open door for me. Eventually I got her in my arms and ran into camper. My mom slammed the door behind us. As the bear walked by, I saw it was being ridden by a man with a big mustache and a cowboy hat, and the bear wore the flag of the campground draped on his back. Then they remembered that the bear was performing at a show in the campground's amphitheater. "I didn't know that!" I said, explaining my panic. "All I knew was, 'Black bear, black bear, black bear!!'"
We all piled in the car to go for a ride then. As we drove past a lake where people were swimming, Nicole and I saw an orca jump out of the water.
August 7:
I dreamed that I was in this closed down, abandoned hair salon. The previous employees had left bags behind in the back room and they were up for grabs. There was all this really great makeup in the bags, and I started collecting anything that was brand new. I got a set of bright fuchsia sparky eye shadows, blush, and mascara.
Then my dad, mom, and I were at a car dealership selling my grandma's car. We sold it for $6,999, but we'd originally wanted closer to $10k for it.
Then I was at target and they had all these cute armchairs for sale. I wanted one but, although they all looked cute, they weren't super comfortable or functional since they were "too long to sit in" (whatever that means).
August 8:
I was in my childhood home in the hall bathroom. My friend Anna was making her bucket list in red crayon. On it she had everything from going to the beach to traveling to other countries.
Then I dreamed I was a spy. Me and my team of operatives were running from bad guys. We had to be sneaky and used twisty halls, tunnels, and slides to get away. As I turned around a corner, I came face to face with a bad guy, but one of my teammates took him out from behind.
August 9:
I dreamed that my high school choir was on stage performing at this big competition. We were awesome in practice, but for the real thing everyone including me kind of lost their voices.
Then I dreamed it was summer. Zack and I were trying to sleep in, but we got too hot to sleep. We creeped into Shep and Andrea's apartment because they had a fan and slept on their floor. In the morning after everyone had woken up, 5-month old Finn was speaking in complete sentences and talking about a weed whacker...seems about right.
August 10:
I was at a crowded restaurant and ran into my friend Anna. She said she had great news. She'd been asked to speak at a church/chapel at a school/mega church. If it went well, they would offer her a 30-year contract, to increase to a 31-year renewal thereafter if all went well. She and I sat down to chat when I realized she was there on a date! She assured me it was no big deal and asked if I wanted to join.
So, me, her, Mary (her mom, who randomly appeared out of nowhere) and Anna's boyfriend Randy got in car together. Randy drove. We went right to the church where this young boy was the head pastor. It was really weird and kind of cultish and they had all this litany that they went through. Anna's grandma was there as well and told everyone I was going to be the musical director at Disney. They asked which shows were coming up. For some reason I just went along with this and said it was a big secret and they wouldn't even tell me yet. I told them that I guessed the new musical would be Monsters Inc because a new movie was coming out for it soon, then another musical with aliens and one other. One young boy said he'd been in a Disney play and the hair/makeup lady was really kinda crazy.
As we were driving back home in the dark, there were police cars all over. Trying to get out of way Mary (driving now) went down this street that had political signs across it like cones. The sign owners at the other end of the street got mad about us driving there.
August 11:
I dreamed that Zack and I had lived in this little blue house before buying our current house. We went back to little blue to get some stuff fixed before our lease was up there. We had two guys come out to give us quotes and accidentally had them arrive at the same time. One of the guys (there with his teenage son) got really defensive and belligerent about everything. I confronted him about it but it didn't really help.
While the contractors did their looking, I was down in the basement escaping the madness. My parents commented that the carpet should be replaced. I said we weren't doing cosmetic updates yet, only the necessary ones. Tyler and Kyra said they'd do hardwood instead or carpet, or leather flooring. We explained that was silly because leather would get all beat up.
I dreamed that there was mouse that was also a dragon that could talk. I stepped on it but didn't kill it, so I put a Tupperware over it. It was pushing up against the Tupperware and almost escaping so I slid a piece of paper under it and flipped it up into the bowl instead of just resting the bowl on top of it. Welcome to my prison, dragon-mouse!
August 12:
I got stuck under a table with some guy named Tim or Tom (I don't remember which).
Then I was blowing bubbles with my mom, dad, siblings, niece and Papa Tony. I could blow three bubbles inside each other or just one giant one. I would walk around inside the giant bubble (yes, it really was giant!) but I couldn't breathe inside or it would shrink and pop.
I dreamed my family had to get this ramshackle house ready for "British law" to come out to evaluate it for government assistance. We made spaghetti dinner. My ex-boyfriend and I sat beside each other. My friend Chuck fed other friend Aaron cheese, which he was allergic to, so he started swelling up and going numb.
Friday, November 18, 2016
The Black Hole and Worlds Unknown
I ran a 5k a few weeks ago, hosted by my alma mater (and now workplace) for Homecoming. At the beginning, before the race began, they held a kids fun run. At the behest of the upbeat DJ and the prodding of their watchful parents, all the little kids came forward and joined the school mascot, Screech the Eagle, to run around the campus green.
I'm not going to lie. I teared up. While everyone smiled and laughed at how adorable all the kids were, and how the littlest of them lagged behind the rest, but ran so, so hard anyway, and how the big ones outpaced Screech, beaming with pride, and how the whole hoard of them passed by the finish line opting instead for a second lap - I stood there and fought tears.
It hurts. It hurts every time and it hurts in ways that are never new and somehow always fresh.
I watched as the girl with bouncy curls sprinted back to her dad for a high-five, her joy and his pride meeting in a sudden clash. I watched as the girl's little brother came to receive a high-five, just as exuberant, just as proud. I watched as they took a photo together at the finish line, all their smiles almost too big for their faces - a genetic trait that makes those kids look just like dad. I watched mom, taking photos and cooing to baby whose smile will morph to match his family's so everyone can take one look at him someday and say, "You must be so-and-so's kid."
I pulled myself together just before the actual race began, swallowing the tightness in my throat because I need to breathe now and fighting the ache in my chest because starting a race with pain is never a good way to go. The pain's not supposed to come until after mile two when you're already so close to finishing that last mile you can fight through anything.
There's a metaphor there, if you can find it.
A little over a week later, Zack and I are sitting in a room with a chart of the male reproductive system on the wall and an IV stand on wheels and a tiny examination table that makes me wonder what they do when largely overweight patients have appointments.
The doctor is in the room too, sitting in the computer chair, but spun to face us, leaning one elbow against the top of the silver trash can and using the other to gesture as he explains our infinitesimal probability of conception, with intervention of course. And there was a moment, sitting in that doctor's office, where I stared at this man's face and thought, This isn't real. This isn't really my life. This is what doctors say to people on TV shows where it turns out okay in two episodes, or those cheesy Christian movies where everyone forgives each other without lingering heaviness and has clean homes all the time and well-groomed pets who come when they're called except that one time when they run off barking to introduce you to a stranger who will change your life. While I should have been paying attention, I instead studied the doctor's little rimless glasses and his swoopy gray speckled hair and thought of how the first thing he said when he walked in the room was that the cooler weather was "good for sperm."
And I had to shake myself out of it and focus. Because this wasn't a surreal out of body experience, much as it feels that way some times, this was my life. This is my life. And I needed to be paying attention instead of wondering if the leather almost-fanny pack the doctor wore was, in fact, a fanny pack, or if it was instead some crazy cell phone case that he wore in an awkward location because this man has a medical degree, after all, and deals with men's special places all day everyday, and he probably wears black dress pants with white socks to fancy dinners and he's got to be just a little off the edge of normal for all that.
And here I am listening to this maybe-fanny-packing man tell us that it would cost us nearly $20,000 for a 20% chance that we might get pregnant. That it would require surgery and hormone injections and both of us to be in operating rooms at the same time because if they have to use frozen sperm there's maybe a 10% chance of success. Of course, he says, we could pay that $20,000 only to have the first part of the procedure fail and then we're just screwed out of every penny we don't have anyway.
And who is this guy? I never imagined anyone but my husband would look at me and tell me exactly what he's going to do to get me pregnant. But here it is, happening. Like, dude...at least buy me a cup of coffee first. And who is this man who hands us a pamphlet at the end of all this with a picture of a chubby cheeked baby on the front? And what well-intentioned idiot made the pamphlet in the first place? Are you TRYING to rub it in? Because the front of the pamphlet says something quippy about giving you "every conceivable chance" and the picture on the pamphlet shows you something you'll never obtain, and isn't it all so hilarious and cute?
When we got home, it took everything I had in me to not toss that pamphlet straight in the trash. I think the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want my husband to know how much getting that stupid, useless information bothered me. Because there's no way that's even remotely a possibility for us. Not only financially, but just considering the risk factors and long term effects given our unique medical circumstances. The stress of doing that and knowing we would have literally ONE shot at it (maybe two, if we're lucky and want to go through surgery twice and want to cough up $40,000, which for us to do, would mean selling the soul of our firstborn...which would really defeat the purpose anyway). Because of the medical complications we have, we can't do round after round of IVF, even if we wanted to. We can't get one sample to freeze for all of eternity, even if we wanted to. And even if we wanted to, we'd still be left wrestling with moral questions and ethical questions and every other "what if..." that exists when you're talking about some pretty serious medical interventions to create life.
This appointment - this news - is in fact just what we were expecting to hear. It's what we'd read about. It's what the doctor had indicated over the phone. But regardless, there's still that small part of you that goes in hoping for a miracle. And when that small part dies, it suddenly becomes not so small. As if piercing that bead of hope leads to an inky mess that spills out and out and out, creating an endlessly hungry black hole in its place.
Sometimes the black hole is quiet. You don't even know it's there. It is so dark, so much a void, that it seemingly ceases to exist. Life carries on.
And sometimes the black hole is dragging you toward it, stretching your bones as it sucks at your feet, pulling you deeper into something you could not escape, and maybe wouldn't even want to if you could.
Sometimes the black hole feels manageable, ignorable, leaveable. There are other galaxies out there, after all. A whole world of something else.
Sometimes that other world of something else feels exciting. It has so much potential and so much good - different good than this world - but still good.
And sometimes that other world feels like a pale shadow. A knock off of the brand name. Sometimes it feels second best, and I don't want it to. I want that world to feel like everyone says this world should: "Best thing that ever happened to me."
But I'm not sure that other world will, and I'm scared it won't ever, and I'm scared I'll wake up one day living in that world and realize that I'm not really living in it so much as existing and that I'm still gazing with longing at that first, vibrant world getting slowly eaten by the black hole and wishing that there were someway I could have lived there instead.
And as much as I know in my head that everyone says that won't happen, convincing my heart and preparing my soul for that change is a process, and it's not one I feel should be rushed. I don't need it encouraged out of me. I don't need emotional liposuction. I need to work out. I need to adjust my diet. I need a new lifestyle, and I need all the pain that comes with making those changes.
So rather than hiding these doubts and fears, rather than smothering them in the frosting that people tend to smear over the bits of burnt cake we wish didn't exist, instead I'm sitting in it. Wrestling with it. Waiting for my heart to grow, and my soul to find peace, and my mind to recognize that the unknown is a beautiful thing and something that will be even more beautiful when I know it. And for now, in this time of unknown, I am learning to stretch new muscles and find new dreams and give grace to my own unrest until it's quieted for the next step.
I'm not going to lie. I teared up. While everyone smiled and laughed at how adorable all the kids were, and how the littlest of them lagged behind the rest, but ran so, so hard anyway, and how the big ones outpaced Screech, beaming with pride, and how the whole hoard of them passed by the finish line opting instead for a second lap - I stood there and fought tears.
It hurts. It hurts every time and it hurts in ways that are never new and somehow always fresh.
I watched as the girl with bouncy curls sprinted back to her dad for a high-five, her joy and his pride meeting in a sudden clash. I watched as the girl's little brother came to receive a high-five, just as exuberant, just as proud. I watched as they took a photo together at the finish line, all their smiles almost too big for their faces - a genetic trait that makes those kids look just like dad. I watched mom, taking photos and cooing to baby whose smile will morph to match his family's so everyone can take one look at him someday and say, "You must be so-and-so's kid."
I pulled myself together just before the actual race began, swallowing the tightness in my throat because I need to breathe now and fighting the ache in my chest because starting a race with pain is never a good way to go. The pain's not supposed to come until after mile two when you're already so close to finishing that last mile you can fight through anything.
There's a metaphor there, if you can find it.
A little over a week later, Zack and I are sitting in a room with a chart of the male reproductive system on the wall and an IV stand on wheels and a tiny examination table that makes me wonder what they do when largely overweight patients have appointments.
The doctor is in the room too, sitting in the computer chair, but spun to face us, leaning one elbow against the top of the silver trash can and using the other to gesture as he explains our infinitesimal probability of conception, with intervention of course. And there was a moment, sitting in that doctor's office, where I stared at this man's face and thought, This isn't real. This isn't really my life. This is what doctors say to people on TV shows where it turns out okay in two episodes, or those cheesy Christian movies where everyone forgives each other without lingering heaviness and has clean homes all the time and well-groomed pets who come when they're called except that one time when they run off barking to introduce you to a stranger who will change your life. While I should have been paying attention, I instead studied the doctor's little rimless glasses and his swoopy gray speckled hair and thought of how the first thing he said when he walked in the room was that the cooler weather was "good for sperm."
And I had to shake myself out of it and focus. Because this wasn't a surreal out of body experience, much as it feels that way some times, this was my life. This is my life. And I needed to be paying attention instead of wondering if the leather almost-fanny pack the doctor wore was, in fact, a fanny pack, or if it was instead some crazy cell phone case that he wore in an awkward location because this man has a medical degree, after all, and deals with men's special places all day everyday, and he probably wears black dress pants with white socks to fancy dinners and he's got to be just a little off the edge of normal for all that.
And here I am listening to this maybe-fanny-packing man tell us that it would cost us nearly $20,000 for a 20% chance that we might get pregnant. That it would require surgery and hormone injections and both of us to be in operating rooms at the same time because if they have to use frozen sperm there's maybe a 10% chance of success. Of course, he says, we could pay that $20,000 only to have the first part of the procedure fail and then we're just screwed out of every penny we don't have anyway.
And who is this guy? I never imagined anyone but my husband would look at me and tell me exactly what he's going to do to get me pregnant. But here it is, happening. Like, dude...at least buy me a cup of coffee first. And who is this man who hands us a pamphlet at the end of all this with a picture of a chubby cheeked baby on the front? And what well-intentioned idiot made the pamphlet in the first place? Are you TRYING to rub it in? Because the front of the pamphlet says something quippy about giving you "every conceivable chance" and the picture on the pamphlet shows you something you'll never obtain, and isn't it all so hilarious and cute?
When we got home, it took everything I had in me to not toss that pamphlet straight in the trash. I think the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want my husband to know how much getting that stupid, useless information bothered me. Because there's no way that's even remotely a possibility for us. Not only financially, but just considering the risk factors and long term effects given our unique medical circumstances. The stress of doing that and knowing we would have literally ONE shot at it (maybe two, if we're lucky and want to go through surgery twice and want to cough up $40,000, which for us to do, would mean selling the soul of our firstborn...which would really defeat the purpose anyway). Because of the medical complications we have, we can't do round after round of IVF, even if we wanted to. We can't get one sample to freeze for all of eternity, even if we wanted to. And even if we wanted to, we'd still be left wrestling with moral questions and ethical questions and every other "what if..." that exists when you're talking about some pretty serious medical interventions to create life.
This appointment - this news - is in fact just what we were expecting to hear. It's what we'd read about. It's what the doctor had indicated over the phone. But regardless, there's still that small part of you that goes in hoping for a miracle. And when that small part dies, it suddenly becomes not so small. As if piercing that bead of hope leads to an inky mess that spills out and out and out, creating an endlessly hungry black hole in its place.
Sometimes the black hole is quiet. You don't even know it's there. It is so dark, so much a void, that it seemingly ceases to exist. Life carries on.
And sometimes the black hole is dragging you toward it, stretching your bones as it sucks at your feet, pulling you deeper into something you could not escape, and maybe wouldn't even want to if you could.
Sometimes the black hole feels manageable, ignorable, leaveable. There are other galaxies out there, after all. A whole world of something else.
Sometimes that other world of something else feels exciting. It has so much potential and so much good - different good than this world - but still good.
And sometimes that other world feels like a pale shadow. A knock off of the brand name. Sometimes it feels second best, and I don't want it to. I want that world to feel like everyone says this world should: "Best thing that ever happened to me."
But I'm not sure that other world will, and I'm scared it won't ever, and I'm scared I'll wake up one day living in that world and realize that I'm not really living in it so much as existing and that I'm still gazing with longing at that first, vibrant world getting slowly eaten by the black hole and wishing that there were someway I could have lived there instead.
And as much as I know in my head that everyone says that won't happen, convincing my heart and preparing my soul for that change is a process, and it's not one I feel should be rushed. I don't need it encouraged out of me. I don't need emotional liposuction. I need to work out. I need to adjust my diet. I need a new lifestyle, and I need all the pain that comes with making those changes.
So rather than hiding these doubts and fears, rather than smothering them in the frosting that people tend to smear over the bits of burnt cake we wish didn't exist, instead I'm sitting in it. Wrestling with it. Waiting for my heart to grow, and my soul to find peace, and my mind to recognize that the unknown is a beautiful thing and something that will be even more beautiful when I know it. And for now, in this time of unknown, I am learning to stretch new muscles and find new dreams and give grace to my own unrest until it's quieted for the next step.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Dream Update: Week 29
As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).
Without further ado, here's week 29:
July 30:
I dreamed my mom told my siblings and I that our "biological dad" was very sick -- also, surprise! Apparently we were all adopted, and this was the first we'd ever heard of it. We went to the hospital to visit him and he died that night. A few days later was the funeral. I wasn't even planning to go (because I didn't know this guy anyway) but my mom came into my room in the morning and woke me up. She informed me that we would each have a chance to speak at the funeral. I told her I had nothing to say, and she looked surprised at this. I started crying then and went on this tirade about how I'd never heard of this man before - and he hadn't cared enough to send a card on my birthday or a gift at Christmas or attend my graduation or my wedding or anything. "I know nothing about the man except that he's a selfish bastard, and I certainly have nothing to say at his funeral!" I screamed. At the end of this tirade, all the lights in the room burnt out and we had to replace all the bulbs.
My locker buddy from high school Barbara left her notebook behind when she left the room we'd been hanging out in. I flipped through it, reading bits of stories she'd started and looking at some of her drawings.
My track 4x800m relay team failed miserably at sections - coming in seventh out of the eight teams there. We all felt like we could have run faster.
July 31:
I was hanging out around the back of my high school when this really tall, big guy with some mental disabilities pulled me aside. He said he had three problems he wanted my help with. It took him a long time to manage to get them out, but I waited patiently. Some other mean guys walked paste and taunted us about hanging out together ("K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"), but I ignored them. The guy's problems were: one - the teasing, two - trying to ask this girl to prom, and three - struggling to speak without stuttering. I gave him advice on how to handle these things, and he gave me a big hug in appreciation.
August 1:
I dreamed Mr. O (my volleyball/track coach and teacher) was teaching us in my old 6th grade classroom. He was telling us about Mac 'n Cheese (for whatever reason). Matthew (from my class) pulled a box from somewhere and shook it. When he did, the box then started singing this little jingle (sort of like the cereal boxes from Minority Report).
Then the whole class was in a Battle Royale-ish situation, and outside, creating pointed stick traps for other kids on this dark stormy island.
Suddenly we were back in the classroom and it was lunch time. I went with Lauren, Alyssa and Anna (friends from high school). They all wore their letter jackets. I said I'd have to find mine from storage at home. Barbara told me that my brother Tyler had said something mean to her online. I went over to talk to him about it. He was playing invisible Pokemon Go in the air with his friends Jericho and Mitch (I'm not sure exactly how this worked, but it made perfect sense in the dream). I finally got his attention and we went outside to walk so I wouldn't embarrass him in front of friends. But his friends kept following us. Eventually I asked them to leave and had a chance to ask him about what Barbara had said. He said he hadn't done anything and went back to lunch.
I went into this bathroom to wash up, but I got my shirt all wet when the sink spayed all over and didn't know what to do because my phone was dead and no one knew where I was. I tried to dry it out but no luck. Then I had this box of food I had to get rid of (I'm not sure why). I tried to squish it down the tub drain but it clogged it up and made the food all soggy and gross. Eventually I found an apron thing and put that on over my wet shirt and returned to class only a little late, leaving the soggy food in the tub.
August 2:
I dreamed that Ryan (guy I dated) showed up unannounced at our church. Zack was not particularly happy to see him. Ryan asked us if we could give him a ride to the airport that night. Zack said no, but I said I would. His flight didn't leave until 11, which was going to be a late night for me on a work night. I convinced him to run in the mud run obstacle course the church was having up and down hills that day after the service. The church had fake ice cream sundaes with all these crazy toppings. You were supposed to make one at the start and see if you could carry it all the way through the course. Ryan made fun of it and how easy it was.
Rachel (from Friends) bet Ross (also from Friends...obvs) that she could get more money than him begging on the street. At that point "the street" become LCA's hall, just outside the library. Rachel made a sign asking for change and every one just walked by her. She challenged Ross to do better. He made a sign asking for $2. He got it within seconds.
This woman who was pregnant and also carrying a baby in her arms suddenly went into labor nearby and handed her baby to Rachel and this middle aged couple who happened to be nearby to watch while she went to the hospital to have her baby. The couple had to take the baby down the elevator to do laundry. The basement was super creepy and abandoned and way lower than a typical basement level, but the washing machines were really nice and were in a long row with fancy gas stoves too (because apparently this was also a kitchen). A man from the apartment building cooked at the gas stove and talked to the couple while they did their laundry and watched baby. The baby-watching man admitted his one regret was not having one more child and now they were too old. The woman agreed. The chef gave them a salmon sushi roll to try. The man loved it. I became woman then, and the sushi was disgusting (because I don't like fish). Then the man and I decided to adopt, inspired by spending time with this random baby.
August 3:
I was driving from LCA back home going past the community center. My car was making all sorts of crazy noises and I was driving very poorly. This made me think, "Hold on. This can't be real. This has to be a dream," so I looked down a my hand, remembering that in dreams they say you don't have five fingers, always more or less. But I counted and I had five, so then I figured that this can't be a dream and must be real.
I looked down the hill and there was this mother and daughter sitting on the side of the road. The daughter had "muscular not-dystrophy." They had some long medical word they used, but all that stuck for me was "not-dystrophy". I stopped my car and got out, offering to take them to a clinic, but they said they'd walk. Seeing their state, I insisted. They came and got in my car then. Everyone was honking at me because I'd stopped in the middle of the road.
August 4:
I dreamed that there was this Asian family hosting my wedding rehearsal dinner in my old church basement. Will, Anna, and Matt D (all friends from high school) were there. Matt told me I couldn't be in any photos before I put powder on because my face was too shiny. I was sad because I didn't have anything with me so I knew I wouldn't be in any of the photos. Will kept teasing at being very un-gentlemanly to all us girls in dresses by stealing our chairs and not holding doors etc. but then actually being a gentleman and holding the door or getting us a chair or what have you.
Then I dreamed that I was an old bird watcher man in the library on my first day volunteering. I didn't know what to do so I was wandering around looking for a task. They called me out on the loud speaker and I was embarrassed.
August 5:
I was hunting with Sam from the TV show Supernatural. We came across this male vampire who I made run away after an epic fight with it, but I knew I hadn't killed it. Then it came back and I was like, "Really? I'll just beat you again." So we fought again, but this time he had gotten stronger. He pushed me into this desk and pinned me there, preparing to bite. I hit him just as I had the last time to make him flee, but this time the hit didn't phase him. I grabbed a pencil hoping to stab in his chest (wooden stake to heart, I thought) but it wasn't strong enough to pierce his skin. I pretended to pass out then, and he walked away looking for Sam, still not having bitten me. When it was safe, I followed after the vampire, hoping the surprise him and finish him once and for all. And I did find him. Except when I did, he was in this street dead-end alleyway, kneeling over his wife, who was currently in labor and about to have a baby. I didn't want to kill them then, especially not her and baby, but I also didn't want more vampires in the world. So I stood paralyzed watching, trying to solve this moral quandary.
Then I dreamed that I talked to my dad on the phone, but I don't recall the content of our conversation. I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with vampires though.
Then I dreamed I was visiting a place where this girl had died recently. People left trinkets on the padlock holding the crime scene closed as tribute to her.
Without further ado, here's week 29:
July 30:
I dreamed my mom told my siblings and I that our "biological dad" was very sick -- also, surprise! Apparently we were all adopted, and this was the first we'd ever heard of it. We went to the hospital to visit him and he died that night. A few days later was the funeral. I wasn't even planning to go (because I didn't know this guy anyway) but my mom came into my room in the morning and woke me up. She informed me that we would each have a chance to speak at the funeral. I told her I had nothing to say, and she looked surprised at this. I started crying then and went on this tirade about how I'd never heard of this man before - and he hadn't cared enough to send a card on my birthday or a gift at Christmas or attend my graduation or my wedding or anything. "I know nothing about the man except that he's a selfish bastard, and I certainly have nothing to say at his funeral!" I screamed. At the end of this tirade, all the lights in the room burnt out and we had to replace all the bulbs.
My locker buddy from high school Barbara left her notebook behind when she left the room we'd been hanging out in. I flipped through it, reading bits of stories she'd started and looking at some of her drawings.
My track 4x800m relay team failed miserably at sections - coming in seventh out of the eight teams there. We all felt like we could have run faster.
July 31:
I was hanging out around the back of my high school when this really tall, big guy with some mental disabilities pulled me aside. He said he had three problems he wanted my help with. It took him a long time to manage to get them out, but I waited patiently. Some other mean guys walked paste and taunted us about hanging out together ("K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"), but I ignored them. The guy's problems were: one - the teasing, two - trying to ask this girl to prom, and three - struggling to speak without stuttering. I gave him advice on how to handle these things, and he gave me a big hug in appreciation.
August 1:
I dreamed Mr. O (my volleyball/track coach and teacher) was teaching us in my old 6th grade classroom. He was telling us about Mac 'n Cheese (for whatever reason). Matthew (from my class) pulled a box from somewhere and shook it. When he did, the box then started singing this little jingle (sort of like the cereal boxes from Minority Report).
Then the whole class was in a Battle Royale-ish situation, and outside, creating pointed stick traps for other kids on this dark stormy island.
Suddenly we were back in the classroom and it was lunch time. I went with Lauren, Alyssa and Anna (friends from high school). They all wore their letter jackets. I said I'd have to find mine from storage at home. Barbara told me that my brother Tyler had said something mean to her online. I went over to talk to him about it. He was playing invisible Pokemon Go in the air with his friends Jericho and Mitch (I'm not sure exactly how this worked, but it made perfect sense in the dream). I finally got his attention and we went outside to walk so I wouldn't embarrass him in front of friends. But his friends kept following us. Eventually I asked them to leave and had a chance to ask him about what Barbara had said. He said he hadn't done anything and went back to lunch.
I went into this bathroom to wash up, but I got my shirt all wet when the sink spayed all over and didn't know what to do because my phone was dead and no one knew where I was. I tried to dry it out but no luck. Then I had this box of food I had to get rid of (I'm not sure why). I tried to squish it down the tub drain but it clogged it up and made the food all soggy and gross. Eventually I found an apron thing and put that on over my wet shirt and returned to class only a little late, leaving the soggy food in the tub.
August 2:
I dreamed that Ryan (guy I dated) showed up unannounced at our church. Zack was not particularly happy to see him. Ryan asked us if we could give him a ride to the airport that night. Zack said no, but I said I would. His flight didn't leave until 11, which was going to be a late night for me on a work night. I convinced him to run in the mud run obstacle course the church was having up and down hills that day after the service. The church had fake ice cream sundaes with all these crazy toppings. You were supposed to make one at the start and see if you could carry it all the way through the course. Ryan made fun of it and how easy it was.
Rachel (from Friends) bet Ross (also from Friends...obvs) that she could get more money than him begging on the street. At that point "the street" become LCA's hall, just outside the library. Rachel made a sign asking for change and every one just walked by her. She challenged Ross to do better. He made a sign asking for $2. He got it within seconds.
This woman who was pregnant and also carrying a baby in her arms suddenly went into labor nearby and handed her baby to Rachel and this middle aged couple who happened to be nearby to watch while she went to the hospital to have her baby. The couple had to take the baby down the elevator to do laundry. The basement was super creepy and abandoned and way lower than a typical basement level, but the washing machines were really nice and were in a long row with fancy gas stoves too (because apparently this was also a kitchen). A man from the apartment building cooked at the gas stove and talked to the couple while they did their laundry and watched baby. The baby-watching man admitted his one regret was not having one more child and now they were too old. The woman agreed. The chef gave them a salmon sushi roll to try. The man loved it. I became woman then, and the sushi was disgusting (because I don't like fish). Then the man and I decided to adopt, inspired by spending time with this random baby.
August 3:
I was driving from LCA back home going past the community center. My car was making all sorts of crazy noises and I was driving very poorly. This made me think, "Hold on. This can't be real. This has to be a dream," so I looked down a my hand, remembering that in dreams they say you don't have five fingers, always more or less. But I counted and I had five, so then I figured that this can't be a dream and must be real.
I looked down the hill and there was this mother and daughter sitting on the side of the road. The daughter had "muscular not-dystrophy." They had some long medical word they used, but all that stuck for me was "not-dystrophy". I stopped my car and got out, offering to take them to a clinic, but they said they'd walk. Seeing their state, I insisted. They came and got in my car then. Everyone was honking at me because I'd stopped in the middle of the road.
August 4:
I dreamed that there was this Asian family hosting my wedding rehearsal dinner in my old church basement. Will, Anna, and Matt D (all friends from high school) were there. Matt told me I couldn't be in any photos before I put powder on because my face was too shiny. I was sad because I didn't have anything with me so I knew I wouldn't be in any of the photos. Will kept teasing at being very un-gentlemanly to all us girls in dresses by stealing our chairs and not holding doors etc. but then actually being a gentleman and holding the door or getting us a chair or what have you.
Then I dreamed that I was an old bird watcher man in the library on my first day volunteering. I didn't know what to do so I was wandering around looking for a task. They called me out on the loud speaker and I was embarrassed.
August 5:
I was hunting with Sam from the TV show Supernatural. We came across this male vampire who I made run away after an epic fight with it, but I knew I hadn't killed it. Then it came back and I was like, "Really? I'll just beat you again." So we fought again, but this time he had gotten stronger. He pushed me into this desk and pinned me there, preparing to bite. I hit him just as I had the last time to make him flee, but this time the hit didn't phase him. I grabbed a pencil hoping to stab in his chest (wooden stake to heart, I thought) but it wasn't strong enough to pierce his skin. I pretended to pass out then, and he walked away looking for Sam, still not having bitten me. When it was safe, I followed after the vampire, hoping the surprise him and finish him once and for all. And I did find him. Except when I did, he was in this street dead-end alleyway, kneeling over his wife, who was currently in labor and about to have a baby. I didn't want to kill them then, especially not her and baby, but I also didn't want more vampires in the world. So I stood paralyzed watching, trying to solve this moral quandary.
Then I dreamed that I talked to my dad on the phone, but I don't recall the content of our conversation. I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with vampires though.
Then I dreamed I was visiting a place where this girl had died recently. People left trinkets on the padlock holding the crime scene closed as tribute to her.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Dream Update: Week 28
As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record
every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my
phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting
here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else
(things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I
recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or
post-nap recordings).
Without further ado, here's week 28:
July 23:
Mr. O (my high school volleyball and track coach) said he found a loophole that would allow me and Jenny (co-captain) to come back and play volleyball for one more season. He told Jenny he needed her because they didn't have someone to play outside hitter, and he thought she would do well in the position. He then told me that he already had a "big bad middle hitter," and I'd have to fight for my position. I was nervous because of how long it's been since I touched a volleyball. I don't know how that battle went in the end...I hope I beat out the current middle hitter and got one more season of game time though!
The Doctor (as always, 10th...that's my doctor guys...the only one who has EVER appeared in my dreams), my brother Tyler, myself, and a few others got sucked up onto this space ship that was run by Daleks. The whole ship was basically one giant pop can which the Daleks were planning to use it to reflect the sun down to earth to destroy it. We all ended up escaping and running to the shiny metal part that would be the bottom of the pop can and laying on it to cover it up and save the world. The Doctor worked some of his magic and made the ship slowly shrink until it was just a crumpled pop can back on earth.
July 24:
I was playing volleyball and Sam P. (a kid a few grades below me in high school) was on opposing team. He served to us, but served his glasses over instead of the ball. Anna (volleyball teammate) missed the first serve and I encouraged her that she'd get it next time. Again with the apparently-legal glasses serve and another miss. And again. Frustrated, I went to the ref and argued that you can't play volleyball with glasses. The ref said she already had points down with them so it was too late to change now.
Then I was going to a wedding on the beach with some friends. We arrived late and had to walk down the aisle right behind the couple to get to our seats. Mark and Melissa (friends of my sister) were guests at the wedding as well.
Then I was at mall waiting to meet up with Zack and our friend Caleb (who I haven't seen in forever). While I was waiting, I bought a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Zack and Caleb arrived and they ALSO had bought an ice cream cake. We grabbed forks and dug in. And yes, it was delicious in every way.
July 25:
I was at LCA (high school) and couldn't find my locker (I was looking for the one I had my junior year on left side of hall when coming from Spanish room). There were little half lockers lining some of the hall and then the regular full ones that are actually there. I knew I had a full one, but they were all empty so I couldn't tell which was mine based on what was inside. Eventually I figured out my number was 35. My friends Alyssa and Lauren were there as well helping me out.
Someone (I don't recall who) and I scaled the side of this steep cliff. About halfway up, this guy leans over from the top and shouts to us, "Why don't you use my sled dog team?" I tell him we don't need his team and were perfectly capable on our own (sounds like something I'd say). So we scramble to the top and he introduces us to all his dogs. They're giant and fluffy and mean, growling and nipping at us as we say hello. The man explains that every year he leaves one dog at the top alone for the summer. Then tells us story on how a miniature donkey become his lead dog, and was amazing at it, but then it was the donkey's turn to be left on the cliff for the summer and the other mushers, consumed with jealousy, came and killed it. After that, the man had a fox lead instead, but the other mushers didn't like that either, and they shot it during a race. Mushing's hardcore stuff.
July 26:
My dad and Papa Tony had been out working on my car and thought they'd gotten it fixed. Then my dad became Darth Vader and demanded I go out to look at my car right away. It was winter so I asked if I could get a jacket and shoes first. He consented. Outside, I took my car for a test drive and the brakes wouldn't work. I weaved through the neighborhoods, narrowly avoiding people and trash cans and things, and eventually ended up behind this school where a police officer was breaking up a brawl between two kids. The officer had his gun out right away, which I found odd considering it was just a little school yard tussle.
Eventfully the officer got the kids separated, but then one of the kids turned into an adult man. I switched between being the cop, the man and myself throughout the remainder of the dream. The man had been pulled over 441 times by the police but only ticketed 4 times. The gun made a lot more sense then.
Tawnya, Charlie and I watched a train go by. It had rubber tires for some weird reason and they squeaked against the rails uncomfortably.
July 27:
I was in DGT's (childhood church) parking lot when my little nephew Marek ran up to me and I picked him up. I held my niece Natalie's hand and went inside with her and Mason (my other nephew). Nothing really happened here other than that, but it was nice anyway.
I was at work trying desperately to get my a scanner to work. Eventually I figured it out but then I lost my debit card, which doesn't really affect the scanner at all, but it distracted me from my victory.
There was a fancy alumni dinner at UNW and one of the alum's snobby little daughters made me rub her feet. All the alums were watching a show sort of like Dear Reader, but it wasn't Harry Potter. It was a different movie with Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe in it. Afterwards the bad guys (I have no idea what I mean by "bad guys" here...apparently there were bad guys...) forced me to go back to my office instead of home. On the way, there was a car accident in the hall (yes, you read that right). A raccoon was bleeding out and the paramedics were trying to save him. A noble cause.
I finally got back to my office and continued looking for the debit card I lost but to no avail. Servant of King who ordered me there was being a jerk (okay, I clearly did not do a good enough job with my bleary notes after this night's dreams...I have no idea when a King came into the picture, but okay). I had to keep demanding he listen to me, but he kept not cooperating.
Matt, Nicole, Tyler, and I played this game involving a shop vac, a blue bouncy ball and a hula hoop. I was winning but then they all ganged up on me and in the end I lost. Go figure. I think there have definitely been times in real life where their goal has been nothing more than "make sure Heidi doesn't win."
July 28:
My niece Natalie was a toddler again and was looking for Nicole. I helped her find her. Nicole had this "French-designed" ear wax sucker. It was a long skinny tube attached to what looked like a red mini-wind-bed. It was also disgusting and sucked up so much stuff. Gross.
Kate and I went to yoga together despite her being very pregnant then met up with a group of friends she said were from her church.
Jenna and I were listening to an audio book about a teen girl who has something to do with spiders and bullying. I asked Jenna if she had to tell people what the book was about, what she'd say. As she started to answer, this van almost backed up into us and she got interrupted.
July 29:
There was an event held at UNW outside of Riley by all the pillars. They had some yard games set up, but it was really pretty disorganized. As people started heading inside, Drew (who used to work at UNW when I was a student there) asked me to try to coordinate a game inside instead. So I had everyone build a race track for a marble to go down out construction paper and tape. Then everyone raced their marbles to see who could make their marble roll farthest. My team with Alyssa and Lauren won. Then I had to work front desk phone (bleh) and a person who called couldn't hear me when I answered (this happens occasionally in real life when covering the front desk and you have to yell into the phone and you feel really pretty stupid).
I was at a high school class party with Anna, Will, Lauren and some random Asian chick. Asian chick was ignoring me, so I was sad. No one else would acknowledge that she was doing it though and they told me to get over myself. I broke down crying and Will have me a hug.
Without further ado, here's week 28:
July 23:
Mr. O (my high school volleyball and track coach) said he found a loophole that would allow me and Jenny (co-captain) to come back and play volleyball for one more season. He told Jenny he needed her because they didn't have someone to play outside hitter, and he thought she would do well in the position. He then told me that he already had a "big bad middle hitter," and I'd have to fight for my position. I was nervous because of how long it's been since I touched a volleyball. I don't know how that battle went in the end...I hope I beat out the current middle hitter and got one more season of game time though!
The Doctor (as always, 10th...that's my doctor guys...the only one who has EVER appeared in my dreams), my brother Tyler, myself, and a few others got sucked up onto this space ship that was run by Daleks. The whole ship was basically one giant pop can which the Daleks were planning to use it to reflect the sun down to earth to destroy it. We all ended up escaping and running to the shiny metal part that would be the bottom of the pop can and laying on it to cover it up and save the world. The Doctor worked some of his magic and made the ship slowly shrink until it was just a crumpled pop can back on earth.
July 24:
I was playing volleyball and Sam P. (a kid a few grades below me in high school) was on opposing team. He served to us, but served his glasses over instead of the ball. Anna (volleyball teammate) missed the first serve and I encouraged her that she'd get it next time. Again with the apparently-legal glasses serve and another miss. And again. Frustrated, I went to the ref and argued that you can't play volleyball with glasses. The ref said she already had points down with them so it was too late to change now.
Then I was going to a wedding on the beach with some friends. We arrived late and had to walk down the aisle right behind the couple to get to our seats. Mark and Melissa (friends of my sister) were guests at the wedding as well.
Then I was at mall waiting to meet up with Zack and our friend Caleb (who I haven't seen in forever). While I was waiting, I bought a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Zack and Caleb arrived and they ALSO had bought an ice cream cake. We grabbed forks and dug in. And yes, it was delicious in every way.
July 25:
I was at LCA (high school) and couldn't find my locker (I was looking for the one I had my junior year on left side of hall when coming from Spanish room). There were little half lockers lining some of the hall and then the regular full ones that are actually there. I knew I had a full one, but they were all empty so I couldn't tell which was mine based on what was inside. Eventually I figured out my number was 35. My friends Alyssa and Lauren were there as well helping me out.
Someone (I don't recall who) and I scaled the side of this steep cliff. About halfway up, this guy leans over from the top and shouts to us, "Why don't you use my sled dog team?" I tell him we don't need his team and were perfectly capable on our own (sounds like something I'd say). So we scramble to the top and he introduces us to all his dogs. They're giant and fluffy and mean, growling and nipping at us as we say hello. The man explains that every year he leaves one dog at the top alone for the summer. Then tells us story on how a miniature donkey become his lead dog, and was amazing at it, but then it was the donkey's turn to be left on the cliff for the summer and the other mushers, consumed with jealousy, came and killed it. After that, the man had a fox lead instead, but the other mushers didn't like that either, and they shot it during a race. Mushing's hardcore stuff.
July 26:
My dad and Papa Tony had been out working on my car and thought they'd gotten it fixed. Then my dad became Darth Vader and demanded I go out to look at my car right away. It was winter so I asked if I could get a jacket and shoes first. He consented. Outside, I took my car for a test drive and the brakes wouldn't work. I weaved through the neighborhoods, narrowly avoiding people and trash cans and things, and eventually ended up behind this school where a police officer was breaking up a brawl between two kids. The officer had his gun out right away, which I found odd considering it was just a little school yard tussle.
Eventfully the officer got the kids separated, but then one of the kids turned into an adult man. I switched between being the cop, the man and myself throughout the remainder of the dream. The man had been pulled over 441 times by the police but only ticketed 4 times. The gun made a lot more sense then.
Tawnya, Charlie and I watched a train go by. It had rubber tires for some weird reason and they squeaked against the rails uncomfortably.
July 27:
I was in DGT's (childhood church) parking lot when my little nephew Marek ran up to me and I picked him up. I held my niece Natalie's hand and went inside with her and Mason (my other nephew). Nothing really happened here other than that, but it was nice anyway.
I was at work trying desperately to get my a scanner to work. Eventually I figured it out but then I lost my debit card, which doesn't really affect the scanner at all, but it distracted me from my victory.
There was a fancy alumni dinner at UNW and one of the alum's snobby little daughters made me rub her feet. All the alums were watching a show sort of like Dear Reader, but it wasn't Harry Potter. It was a different movie with Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe in it. Afterwards the bad guys (I have no idea what I mean by "bad guys" here...apparently there were bad guys...) forced me to go back to my office instead of home. On the way, there was a car accident in the hall (yes, you read that right). A raccoon was bleeding out and the paramedics were trying to save him. A noble cause.
I finally got back to my office and continued looking for the debit card I lost but to no avail. Servant of King who ordered me there was being a jerk (okay, I clearly did not do a good enough job with my bleary notes after this night's dreams...I have no idea when a King came into the picture, but okay). I had to keep demanding he listen to me, but he kept not cooperating.
Matt, Nicole, Tyler, and I played this game involving a shop vac, a blue bouncy ball and a hula hoop. I was winning but then they all ganged up on me and in the end I lost. Go figure. I think there have definitely been times in real life where their goal has been nothing more than "make sure Heidi doesn't win."
July 28:
My niece Natalie was a toddler again and was looking for Nicole. I helped her find her. Nicole had this "French-designed" ear wax sucker. It was a long skinny tube attached to what looked like a red mini-wind-bed. It was also disgusting and sucked up so much stuff. Gross.
Kate and I went to yoga together despite her being very pregnant then met up with a group of friends she said were from her church.
Jenna and I were listening to an audio book about a teen girl who has something to do with spiders and bullying. I asked Jenna if she had to tell people what the book was about, what she'd say. As she started to answer, this van almost backed up into us and she got interrupted.
July 29:
There was an event held at UNW outside of Riley by all the pillars. They had some yard games set up, but it was really pretty disorganized. As people started heading inside, Drew (who used to work at UNW when I was a student there) asked me to try to coordinate a game inside instead. So I had everyone build a race track for a marble to go down out construction paper and tape. Then everyone raced their marbles to see who could make their marble roll farthest. My team with Alyssa and Lauren won. Then I had to work front desk phone (bleh) and a person who called couldn't hear me when I answered (this happens occasionally in real life when covering the front desk and you have to yell into the phone and you feel really pretty stupid).
I was at a high school class party with Anna, Will, Lauren and some random Asian chick. Asian chick was ignoring me, so I was sad. No one else would acknowledge that she was doing it though and they told me to get over myself. I broke down crying and Will have me a hug.
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