Dream Update: Week 33

Recording every dream I have for 365 days...

August 27:
I dreamed I had my friend Kate's dog Kevin, friend Steph's dog Marvel and another fluffy white dog for the day (in hindsight -- Jenna and Matt recently adopted a fluffy white dog. Was this dream a premonition that they'd end up with him?). The dogs were great but as the day started winding down, I asked Zack how exactly they were all going to get back to their respective owners. He claimed it would be a short drive to drop them all back home. I reminded him that Kate lives in Medina (which she doesn't, but whatever) and it would be a long drive from White Bear Lake there.

I dreamed I was walking along this narrow, rocky path on the edge of a cliff. On my left was a tall, sheer wall of rock going way, way up and on my right was an equally long fall to certain death. I came to a narrow stone bridge with no railings crossing a chasm to a shopping mall on the other side. I started on the bridge and felt my feet sink slightly into what I had thought was stone. I jumped ahead just in time to see thin pine boughs snap below my feet and fall down, down, down to the rocky ground below. The gap they opened revealed leopards in the cavern, snarling and jumping up to try to get me. I realized then that there were pine boughs covering gaps in the bridge every few feet. They somehow blended in with the rest of the bridge.

After I made it safely across, I went into the mall where I took an escalator down to the lower levels. There were a ton of people in the mall, including a man in a motorized wheelchair. We were moving toward each other, and I moved over as best I could to give him space to pass me. Instead he turned his chair to get in my way again. I moved, but again he followed my path until we came face to face. He got mad at me for not moving for him. I told him he was a jerk who was using his disability as an excuse for being privileged.

August 28:
Zack and I were getting gas, and I accidentally put diesel in my car. It cost $107.07 and I was googling what to do but no one on Google was talking about it. (Also I realize that this is not my first dream about accidentally putting diesel in my car.)

I went to Duluth to visit parents, but in the old blue house I grew up in. They had a pet bear (who was also occasionally a very badly behaved 5 year old boy) who they hadn't trained at all. When he got aggressive toward me, I locked him in the hallway. I looked for my diffuser to spray a calming oil but then realize it was at home in the Cities.

 My mom and dad were getting a new couch from my Uncle Steve who had been working overtime to buy them one. I asked what they were doing with their old couch because I knew "someone" who might just want it in their basement family room. She don't seem to understand that I was talking about me. (PS: just the other day my dad texted me and said they're getting a new couch and asked if we wanted the old one! Whoa!)

I was swimming in Moose Lake with my cousin Jamie (who also sometimes became Tyler). When it was Jamie, she was wearing Nicole's old pink flower swimsuit. We got a dozen innertubes of various sizes and floated out to the raft in the middle of the lake. There were so many turtles and they kept trying to bite us. There was a photographer there taking photos, which was odd even in the dream. When we were about to come in from the raft, Nicole and Tawnya (as teenagers) came running down to the dock to join us. Tawnya wore her blue tankini and Nicole wore a black, peach, teal color-blocked zip up suit. We let them join us and agreed to stay out longer, but told them to watch out do turtles.

August 29:
I dreamed I was at a hotel and trying to park my and Zack's cars. My car was super crooked in the spot so when I parked Zack's car next to it, it settled and bumped my car. I drove around the block one more time and came to a hill in Duluth that was over 90 degrees straight up. The car flew off the top of the hill and fell and fell and fell but never crashed.

I dreamed Chelsea (freshmen college roommate) was at the hotel too and couldn't find her Finding Nemo themed room. I helped. The hotel had personal mini saunas you could reserve.

A band called Jump Fire (not Jump Five) showed up at our house. Zack had apparently said they could stay with us while they played some shows in Minneapolis but hadn't told me about it.

August 30:
I was at Tawnya and Robert's old house in the Cities. They were having friends over for a party. Mom and dad came and brought a bunch of excessively floppy mattresses with them since it was a sleepover and we wouldn't have enough otherwise. I left the gas burner lit on the stove accidentally. Sorry guys.

August 31:
 I was hanging out with my friend Alyssa and all these cowboys and cowgirls (is there a term for both? Cowpeople?). Anyway, we were wrangling wild horses and cows. My first horse I did fine with, but then she got tired so I got a new horse. This one wouldn't listen at all and walked into trees and backed up randomly all the time and was generally difficult.

I was at a restaurant and Mark (friend from elementary school) came up to me with his daughter. We caught up for a bit then got food. Jenna was there as well. For some reason she wasn't wearing pants and the people in the restaurant were very uncomfortable with that. I got my hand stuck in the side of my stretchy workout pants (apparently I was thinking a lot about pants). There were these nerdy guys at paint table painting miniatures who made fun of me. I had expected that they'd be attracted to a girl who games, but apparently not.

I broke into my childhood house and walked around seeing all the things the new owner had changed. Then the new owners came home and found me.

I had to write a history paper but had no internet. First I was going to have my topic be "the dictionary" (because the teacher would be impressed with how many pages were in the book) but they said I needed to be more specific. So I changed to the Civil War. Unsurprisingly, that was also not specific enough.

September 1:
My friend Anna and I were going to a conference together. I tried to drive there but got stuck behind all these barriers in a parking lot across the street, so we parked behind the building across the street and walked the rest of the way. On the way,  we stopped at the giant black mailbox to pick up our books for the conference which we had mailed to ourselves ahead of time. There were probably a dozen other packages in the box too, most them the size of ring boxes and from me. I couldn't figure out what I'd sent to myself, and then remembered that I'd mailed us individual starbursts for snacks. Anna got a package with two starbursts (orange and yellow).

My co-worker Karen and I were talking to two punk-skater students. I went on a tirade at them about how they needed to care about their reputation and show initiative in their jobs. I ended up swearing at them (but it was in encouragement!). Karen was shocked, and I was so sure I was going to get fired

September 2:
I went horseback riding with Alyssa, my cousin Jamie, and high school friend Matt. The horses were Tim Burton style with one like Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas, but a horse. I rode that one. It was black with white pinstripes and super tall and mega skinny. For some reason, everyone looked to me to teach them to ride and to lead the group. We rode through a land full of chickens the size of buildings eating proportionally sized worms who screamed for help.

Dream Update: Week 32

Recording every dream for 365 days...

August 20:

Dreamed I set my friend Jason and a girl from my hall freshmen year named Bree up on a date. Jason showed up in Aladdin pants and riding boots. He knows how to make an impression.

Then I dreamed I looked out my bedroom window in the morning and saw my neighbor and his older friend on workout bikes in their front widow just watching me. Not pedaling the bikes, just sitting on them...watching...

I dreamed I woke up and Zack wasn't home yet (he was gone on a trip to Milwaukee in real life). Then I "woke up" from my dream (in my dream) and he was there. He had the shower running and had baked three turkey breasts and carrots and potatoes for us. He said he would have made a whole turkey, but it was so hard to tell when they're done. Then I dreamed I woke up AGAIN (still dreaming, but now thinking "oh, all the stuff that happened before this was a dream but NOW I'm awake, surely") and he wasn't there again. 

I then planned to sew a ball gown dress for a Barbie and went on a hunt for cool fabric. I ended up deciding on wired ribbon so in could shape it into a big bell shape when I was done.

August 21:

I dreamed I was driving to a UNW dinner theater event had stopped at a red light. The second the light turned green, the car behind me started honking and swearing at me. I was upset. As we continued driving, I let the honker get in front of me and started honking back at them (real mature, I know). I then realized the driver was mom of one of the girl's from my volleyball team and her boyfriend...and that we were heading to the same event.

The theater part of the event turned into a concert of sorts and got quite out of hand and raucous (particularly for a UNW event). I was dancing like crazy and having a grand old time. Co-worker Karen pulled me out and told me I couldn't do that because I work in Human Resources. She also accused me of joining the band in trying to incite riot and that I was likely be fired. I got mad and went on a tirade about innocent until proven guilty and ran back onto the stage to plead my case with the crowd. Eventually they dragged me out and I returned to my car.

Outside, before I left, I was talking with my high school friend Josh and he was saying all the things he had to do winterize his house (plants and pipes and what have you).

I also dreamed that the mannequin I made of Zack for creating his RenFest costume somehow deflated and was useless and I was sad.

August 22:

My parents, brother and I were at my Grandma Jan's funeral. It was real sad. At the end, we went to the top of the building where there was a parking garage to get in the car. After circling the top of the building, we couldn't find the exit. My dad kept driving faster and faster trying to get home so he could be alone to cry. We ended up abandoning the car and crawling through these little tunnels on our bellies while holding onto this tubing rope to stay together. I thought I found the exit at one point, but I was at the end of the chain and by the time my message reached the leaders up front, we'd already passed what I thought was the way out.

So instead, we ended up abroad this spaceship, but my mom and dad were put in the back cargo area and a heavy locked door was between us and them. Tyler and I were up with the pilots, control panels, and two other passengers who were super excited. They had saved their pennies their whole lives for this flight. They explained that riding with the pilots was safer because they'd drop the cargo hold in case of emergency.

We couldn't even talk to or hear Mom and Dad through the door. I was banging on the glass trying to get to them but couldn't. I demanded the pilots let me back with them, but they refused. I tried messing up the controls to make them realize I was going to be a problem up front, but they still refused. Eventually my mom came and sat near the glass very calmly. She started doing the motions to a childhood song she used to sing with us about a river in the bottom of the ocean. We did the motions along with her, and we all cried. It very much felt like goodbye.

Then I dreamed I was on the UNW volleyball team. They all ate peanut butter bites. I didn't because I don't like peanut butter.

Finally, I dreamed that Zack and I woke up late for work (at 11:30 to be precise). We were in my childhood bedroom with pink walls and carpet. I had gotten the job at Faegre (where Zack works and where I had interviewed a couple years ago), and they'd left me message after message trying to figure out where I was. I tried to get dressed but couldn't figure out what to wear. The shower drain got clogged by rocks and the bathroom floor turned to mud. I didn't even know if the buses were running to get me downtown that late anyway. It was basically a disaster.

August 23:

Me, Tyler, and friends Anna and Shep were trying to climb this ginormous dirt/mud pile. We got maybe ten feet away from the top, but we were all so exhausted and the ground so squishy underfoot that we couldn't move anymore so we were just laying there trying not to lose ground. They all started saying things like, "Well, we gave it our best" and "Maybe next time." I looked down and saw the huge climb we'd already made and knew I couldn't give all that work up for nothing. So I got stubborn and made a mad dash to the top, leaping at the end to grab the peak like the warped wall on American Ninja Warrior and hauling myself up to the pinnacle. I guess I'm persistent like that even in my dreams.

I dreamed I had to do a math problem on a whiteboard for the class in school. I did it once but before presenting to the class I noticed I'd made a mistake. I erased the problem to start again but then I couldn't find a marker that worked. I must've tried a dozen.

Dreamed my sister Tawnya was talking about a surprise birthday party she'd planned for Mom when she was thirteen. Mom and my other sister Nicole were saying how Mom knew the whole time and went over all the details with Shari, our Sunday school teacher. Tawnya got offended.

August 24:

My friend Anna and I had just returned from vacationing with the H's (family from elementary school).  Nicole, who had been on the vacation as well, and I had ridden with Mr. H and it was terrifying. So, anyway, Anna and I were standing near the fence at my high school's playground while Tyler's classmates were putting on a play.

In the play, we all got delicious sugar cookies. Then Anna and I got extras because they used us as the "parents" in the play who the kids made cookies for. But I was so full I only took a bite or two of the second cookie before offering the rest to the rest of the class. I checked my planner for homework because I felt like I was forgetting something (this feeling will apparently never go away).

Mom, Dad, and I were camping near shore of Lake Superior. We saw the northern lights, only they were really close to us and sort of tangible, all gold and green and purple over the lake. It was gorgeous.

August 25:

My cousin Jamie and I had drive from the Cities together to visit my family. My mom made three dozen cookies and my dad made three dozen cookies, so there were a lot of cookies. On the second day of our visit, my dad asked if the cookies tasted more savory. We agreed that they did, whatever that means.

I dreamed about IVF. I had a little petri dish with the sperm and egg inside but couldn't decide what to do with it, or if we could afford it. As I carried it around, it started growing and was soon a small pile of pink flesh.

August 26:

I dreamed I was at Jenna and Matt's house only it had been turned into a shelter/barn for animals (this really doesn't seem too far outside the realm of possibility). They had probably a dozen cats, various dogs, a flock of large chickens, and a pony. One of the chickens was sick, and Jenna was really worried about it. She was trying to get it to drink seltzer water but the chicken was really mean and would chase us away and try to eat us.

Jenna had two ovens in her animal-crowded kitchen and was baking cupcakes in one of them. (Also PS: I just realized that I often dream about there being two ovens in the kitchen. Weird.) The cupcakes were done so I was going to pull them out but had nowhere to set them. I tried to clear off the top of one of the ovens, but they were covered in food goo. The cupcakes burned while I was scrambling.

I dreamed Zack and I had moved into our house and then he decided it was too much work. We moved back to our apartment, but still owned our house. "What now?" I asked him. "We still have a mortgage and now rent and all our friends and family are gone (yes, as in, they have left us and are no longer our friends) after helping us move twice in a row." He seemed to realize his mistake then and wanted to move back into our house but it was too late.

RPGs and Writing

My antagonist and protagonist are standing in a room together. The antagonist wets a cloth and tosses it to the protagonist so she can clean up her injuries.

I spend the next twenty minutes staring at the screen trying to decide if my protagonist will catch the cloth or let it drop to the floor. And what does either of those actions mean? And if she does catch it, does she snatch it from the air in anger before hurling it back? Or does she spread it out in her hands while she thinks about how in the world she ended up here? And if it drops, does the antagonist come pick it up? Does she kick it or step on it to drive home her point? Does it sit between them like a metaphor for all the things left unsaid? Or maybe she finds some clever way to use this seemingly innocuous item as a weapon?

And here's the beauty of this situation: I control it. I control every last piece of it.

But here's the ugly stepsister of this situation: I control it. I control every last piece of it.

Every. Last. Piece.

And that's asking a lot. There's a lot to consider. A lot to figure out. All the threads need to weave in and out of each other to compile a tapestry so complete I could use it for a parachute. My character's lives will depend on it.

Within the last year and a half or so, I started getting into Role Playing Games. And it took a while to let go of that enchanting ugly stepsister called "control" with whom I had become so familiar in my creative endeavors. I was suddenly a very different part of a story, and I didn't have to decide what would happen if that cloth was caught or not, or what it might mean down the road, or what every other character in the world's reaction might be to a cloth that is accepted or rejected from the air. Instead I only had to answer a single question, and I had to answer it fast because there were five other people in the room staring at me. Waiting. It's one simple, enticing, aggravating question asked time and time again: "What do you do?"

Playing in RPGs taught me to view stories differently. To take the same risks with my novel's characters that I do with my RPG characters. To make a decision and let the chips fall where they may. I learned to separate myself from acting as "Lord of the Story" and to instead look at my character's invisible stat sheet and work from there, letting their successes and failures drive the story. Whether I have one character in the scene or twelve, I can go around the room asking that familiar question "What do you do?" then take into account their strengths and weakness before letting them act. The beauty of this–in both RPGs and writing–is that it keeps things moving, because it's awfully hard to redirect a missile that isn't moving. But if you've got motion, you have all sorts of energy you can use to travel or destroy or turn towards the moon or crash into the sea. Letting things sit stagnant isn't fun in RPGs, and it isn't fun in writing either. I've gotten better at preventing scenes of stagnancy since I started RPGing.

But then there's this other animal born of RPGs - actually running a game. Which of course I had to try. I wanted to step behind the screen and pull the strings, build the world, take back a modicum of that feeling I have become so accustomed to when writing novels.

In some ways, GMing is a billion times easier than writing. Primarily because I don't need to make all the decisions. I don't need to adopt every major character's voice, determine all of their motivations and desires, or– the most thrilling piece of all–I don't need to determine the protagonist's answers to "What do you do?" Instead I just need to present them with the question and determine the outcome of their answer.

And sometimes, I don't even have to do that. Because RPGs have a beautiful little thing called mechanics. The numbers that rule the game even more than I can. You want to pickpocket the baron? You want to attack the monster? You want to convince the villagers that you are the legendary hunter they've all heard stories about? Roll the dice. We'll see where the numbers fall and go from there. It might mean flat out failure or great success, but either way the decision isn't always in my hands. And I kind of love that.

While I haven't taken to rolling dice while writing just yet (although I've been tempted) the concept does carry. How difficult will it be to convince these people to help you out? Maybe quite difficult, but if you start offering them bribes or buddying up with their pals, they might just be a little easier to persuade. Thinking about sticky situations more mechanically has made my narrative outcomes come more quickly and with less cursor blinking.

That may sound like leeching all that I-spell-gray-with-an-e poetic whimsy out of the creative process, but in reality what it does is leech all the I'm-over-analyzing-this-because-I-spell-gray-with-an-e out of it, forcing you to get on with the story. If you want to go back and sprinkle unnecessarily flowery metaphors over the bones of the scene later, that's cool, but at least get that rotting corpse on paper.

But then in some ways, GMing is also a billion times more difficult than writing. Primarily because there are a handful of unreliable co-authors at the table who can and will throw everything out of whack the minute they get their grubby little mitts into the story. They're called players, and when you ask them "What do you do?" odds are good they're going to give you some insane out-of-left-field response that forces you to reconsider everything in an instant. They'll say things that make you go, "I'm sorry. You want to do what?"

While this is challenging, it is also fantastic. It improves your improvisation skills (sorry to break the illusion, players, but yes, more often than not I'm just making stuff up trying to keep pace with your antics. I'm looking at you "first we rescue the innocent fawn from the crawling claws so later we can slaughter it and bathe in its blood" crew). Dealing with these unanticipated turns teaches your mind to not only improvise quickly but also to consider  multiple paths more readily. Where I might have previously considered two or three options for my characters I now find myself giving them a bevy of options, all at varying degrees of insanity.

But there's the drawback to this whole beautiful beast of RPGs, and it's simply this: distraction.

Between GMing, playing in, and thinking about RPGs, their lovable (or hate-able) characters, and their unique worlds, the amount of time and creative mental space left over for writing can quickly disintegrate to a mere modicum of what it could have been. Particularly when I'm feeling stuck in my writing. It is so much easier to ignore a problem scene in a book when there are other tempting creative outlets looming right at the edges of my vision, ones with other ready minds to rely on for help with road blocks.

It's a problem I haven't solved because, frankly, I'm just enjoying myself too much to worry about it. But one of these days I'll crack down and make sure I'm pumping out a solid word count again. I probably won't be back at the 1000 words a day I was at prior to diving into the world of RPGs, but I want to at least find balance between these two loves, and perhaps even a beautiful synergy.

Dream Update: Week 31

Week 31 of recording every dream I have for 365 days...

August 13:
No recall! But, I get pretty epic dreams the next two days, so it's okay.

August 14:
Our neighbors had to sell their house and we were sort of excited because we hoped someone would move in who would take a little better care of the yard and not have so many kids running around and that the adults would be more social. Their realtor came over and gave us a whole laundry list of things we had to do to help their house sell (clean up sticks and sweep outside and mow lawn etc). We became less enthused about our neighbors moving then.

I dreamed I (as Kirsten Dunst from Bring It On) was doubled somehow. Me #1 was inside with my boyfriend and Me #2 was outside with my friends trying to figure out how to get in with my boyfriend without Me #1 noticing. Me #2 and my friends were sneaking up to house when Me #1 showed up out of nowhere. We fought. Me #2 ran inside into bedroom/dorm room (sort of both at once) where she couldn't figure out which bed was hers because both beds had somewhat male sheets and mess on them (chips and papers and stuff) which didn't make sense. Just then, my boyfriend came into room and started making out with me. The Me #1 entered the room. Our/my poor boyfriend was super confused.

I was then at my high school class reunion. Will was there trying to keep everyone safe from the wild animals that had been invited to the party for some reason. I was hanging out with some guys (not actual guys from my high school class, just some randos). They both had crushes on me apparently. We were hiking and they got into a verbal squabble (one started it and the other one ended up leaving us and going ahead alone despite the danger.) I was so angry at the one I was left with that eventually I went after that guy as well. I almost got eaten by a bear and fell off a cliff, but then I found him and we were both happy.

August 15:
I was in Dr. Light's science course in college but with my high school classmates. I sat by Lauren (a smart choice for a science class!). I arrived at class on Monday and found out we were having a test. I hadn't studied. I panicked. Lauren said, "This is a college level course! You didn't study?!"

While Dr. Light gave announcements, I asked Lauren if I could quick study her notes. She gave them to me but they made no sense. Before the test could begin, alarms went off and we were all evacuated to tons yellow school buses. They were parked out on streets and it was just students on the buses, but danger was near so we started driving, even without adults on board.

Soon we were on the crowded streets of Rome, trying to dodge people because the bus wouldn't stop. Students started disappearing off the bus somehow, one by one. I got off the bus (at a stoplight or something I guess? Even though it couldn't stop...I'm really not sure) and met these girls in the street. We talked for a second and they commented on my accent. The bus drove by then so I ran beside it, catching up and jumping back on board.

It turned into a van then and only seven people were inside. I was telling them how we couldn't keep disappearing like this and how we had to stay together. The back row disappeared then leaving only four of us behind. I grabbed the girl's hand who I was sitting by to make sure neither of us would disappear but then she got this horrified look on her face staring at me. I leaned to the front seat to see my reflection in the rear view mirror. My face was the face of the girl I'd seen in the street (trippy!). Then I disappeared too into a weird sort of passed out haze. (Even more trippy!)

When I woke up, I had no memory. My head was shaved and I was in a hospital gown in a science lab. The scientist led me through the halls to back room. "So, you're our swimmer?" he said. I didn't respond. I think I had forgotten how to speak.

He gave me a swimsuit to change into and I did. At first he tried to show me to a back room to change, but I was so robotic I didn't understand so I just changed in the middle of the room. Then he gave himself a shot in the back of the neck and came up to me with a similar needle (shaped like a seam ripper). He jabbed the needle into the base of my neck between two vertebra. I muffled a cry and slowly sank to the floor in pain. He followed with me, keeping the needle in until the injection was complete. Finally he removed the needle and apologized but said it was "necessary." I just laid down on the floor in pain.

August 16:
I was in a post-apocalyptic world with ramshackle houses and cabins, most without electricity and running water. I had to be careful because other people would steal my stuff if they knew I was there.

I dreamed I went back to work for Sandy and Colleen at Keller Williams. While I worked on writing a thank you note on one of their behalfs, Karen (current coworker) sat beside me and kept telling me what I was doing wrong. Eventually I got frustrated and exploded at her that I'd done this before for over three years and that I was perfectly capable of figuring it out.

My mom, grandma and I were at a pizza restaurant. My grandma liked the music and wanted to buy it but didn't know what it was. Mom was going to make her go ask, but grandma was too shy and got all flustered.

August 17:
I dreamed I was on this farm with tons of cats and birds (song birds, ducks, geese etc). My sister Tawnya was there helping care for the birds. There were also human babies everywhere just sort of...crawling around on their own and hanging out. I found one little girl dressed up as a pig.

I dreamed that Phoebe, Ross (yes, from Friends), and I had a group Halloween costume planned but we realized it was dumb and decided to stay in (it had something to do with rocks? I don't know). I also considered dressing as a vampire and spent a lot of time considering the best way to get realistic-looking fangs.

August 18:
I was chronically, terminally ill. My family and I were being given a special tour of this ancient Middle Eastern museum by some very high ranking government officials. Due to my illness, I got very tired walking around to all the exhibits so I had to drop out of the tour short, even though they'd arranged it for me.

While I went to find a bed, the rest continued their tour. The museum became a plane then, on its way to Egypt. When we had first entered the upper level of the plane earlier, there was a luxurious bed right in front of the door. My family said this was my bed, but I didn't believe them because it had the wrong number beside it. So, I explored on my own some more and found a wide trough of sorts running along both sides of the plane. It was lined with thin blue gym mats and passengers slept on the mats side by side. I had the sense then that this was where we were meant to sleep. I knew I'd be uncomfortable sleeping right next to a stranger (and two deep in some places!) so I asked the flight attendant how much longer it was until we landed thinking maybe I'd just stay awake after all. She informed me that it was two hours until our layover in London. I asked how long the layover was and she just laughed...so that was helpful.

After the plane landed in London, I explored a gift shop in the airport, misread the felt of a shirt (okay...this is what I wrote in my journal, but I honestly have no idea what it means now...sleep brain I guess? It must have made sense at the time?) and almost missed the next leg of the flight to Egypt.

August 19:
Dreamed my friend Anna and I were caring for this autistic kid. He was pretty low-functioning and had a lot of eccentricities. The guy who had been caring for him before was of a drill sergeant military mindset and basically had us all captive once he learned he'd been replaced. We decided to try to escape. We were held at a youth group game night only the whole night was staged because one of the youth had become famous. So a film crew was there and they made fake rain for drama and that sort of stuff. No one was happy. The kid and I ran into the forest but the rain hindered our progress and we were caught again.

Dreamed I was playing D&D with Paul (just Paul apparently). I was rolling really poorly until I rolled an "89" (no clue how I got that off a d20. I was definitely not rolling percentile dice.). I realized too late that there were giants were coming toward us, and I was low on hp. I had two spells left but didn't use them and just had to watch as the giants came closer and closer, coming to squash me. I was sad because I really like Viska (my character) and didn't want her to die.

Dream Update: Week 30

As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).

Without further ado, here's week 30:

August 6:
I was camping in my parent's camper with my parents, Zack, my siblings, and our cat Kahlua. I'd taken Kahlua outside in the morning when a ginormous black bear started walking toward our campsite. I tried to grab Kahlua to get her inside, but she was simultaneously trying to scramble under the camper.

As I wrestled with Kahlua, trying to keep hold on her, I yelled for those inside the camper to open door for me. Eventually I got her in my arms and ran into camper. My mom slammed the door behind us. As the bear walked by, I saw it was being ridden by a man with a big mustache and a cowboy hat, and the bear wore the flag of the campground draped on his back. Then they remembered that the bear was performing at a show in the campground's amphitheater. "I didn't know that!" I said, explaining my panic. "All I knew was, 'Black bear, black bear, black bear!!'"

We all piled in the car to go for a ride then. As we drove past a lake where people were swimming, Nicole and I saw an orca jump out of the water.

August 7:
I dreamed that I was in this closed down, abandoned hair salon. The previous employees had left bags behind in the back room and they were up for grabs. There was all this really great makeup in the bags, and I started collecting anything that was brand new. I got a set of bright fuchsia sparky eye shadows, blush, and mascara.

Then my dad, mom, and I were at a car dealership selling my grandma's car. We sold it for $6,999, but we'd originally wanted closer to $10k for it.

Then I was at target and they had all these cute armchairs for sale. I wanted one but, although they all looked cute, they weren't super comfortable or functional since they were "too long to sit in" (whatever that means).

August 8:
I was in my childhood home in the hall bathroom. My friend Anna was making her bucket list in red crayon. On it she had everything from going to the beach to traveling to other countries.

Then I dreamed I was a spy. Me and my team of operatives were running from bad guys. We had to be sneaky and used twisty halls, tunnels, and slides to get away. As I turned around a corner, I came face to face with a bad guy, but one of my teammates took him out from behind.

August 9:
I dreamed that my high school choir was on stage performing at this big competition. We were awesome in practice, but for the real thing everyone including me kind of lost their voices.

Then I dreamed it was summer. Zack and I were trying to sleep in, but we got too hot to sleep. We creeped into Shep and Andrea's apartment because they had a fan and slept on their floor. In the morning after everyone had woken up, 5-month old Finn was speaking in complete sentences and talking about a weed whacker...seems about right.

August 10:
I was at a crowded restaurant and ran into my friend Anna. She said she had great news. She'd been asked to speak at a church/chapel at a school/mega church. If it went well, they would offer her a 30-year contract, to increase to a 31-year renewal thereafter if all went well. She and I sat down to chat when I realized she was there on a date! She assured me it was no big deal and asked if I wanted to join.

So, me, her, Mary (her mom, who randomly appeared out of nowhere) and Anna's boyfriend Randy got in car together. Randy drove. We went right to the church where this young boy was the head pastor. It was really weird and kind of cultish and they had all this litany that they went through. Anna's grandma was there as well and told everyone I was going to be the musical director at Disney. They asked which shows were coming up. For some reason I just went along with this and said it was a big secret and they wouldn't even tell me yet. I told them that I guessed the new musical would be Monsters Inc because a new movie was coming out for it soon, then another musical with aliens and one other. One young boy said he'd been in a Disney play and the hair/makeup lady was really kinda crazy.

As we were driving back home in the dark, there were police cars all over. Trying to get out of way Mary (driving now) went down this street that had political signs across it like cones. The sign owners at the other end of the street got mad about us driving there.

August 11:
I dreamed that Zack and I had lived in this little blue house before buying our current house. We went back to little blue to get some stuff fixed before our lease was up there. We had two guys come out to give us quotes and accidentally had them arrive at the same time. One of the guys (there with his teenage son) got really defensive and belligerent about everything. I confronted him about it but it didn't really help.

While the contractors did their looking, I was down in the basement escaping the madness. My parents commented that the carpet should be replaced.  I said we weren't doing cosmetic updates yet, only the necessary ones. Tyler and Kyra said they'd do hardwood instead or carpet, or leather flooring. We explained that was silly because leather would get all beat up.

I dreamed that there was mouse that was also a dragon that could talk. I stepped on it but didn't kill it, so I put a Tupperware over it. It was pushing up against the Tupperware and almost escaping so I slid a piece of paper under it and flipped it up into the bowl instead of just resting the bowl on top of it. Welcome to my prison, dragon-mouse!

August 12:
I got stuck under a table with some guy named Tim or Tom (I don't remember which).

Then I was blowing bubbles with my mom, dad, siblings, niece and Papa Tony. I could blow three bubbles inside each other or just one giant one. I would walk around inside the giant bubble (yes, it really was giant!) but I couldn't breathe inside or it would shrink and pop.

I dreamed my family had to get this ramshackle house ready for "British law" to come out to evaluate it for government assistance. We made spaghetti dinner. My ex-boyfriend and I sat beside each other. My friend Chuck fed other friend Aaron cheese, which he was allergic to, so he started swelling up and going numb.

The Black Hole and Worlds Unknown

I ran a 5k a few weeks ago, hosted by my alma mater (and now workplace) for Homecoming. At the beginning, before the race began, they held a kids fun run. At the behest of the upbeat DJ and the prodding of their watchful parents, all the little kids came forward and joined the school mascot, Screech the Eagle, to run around the campus green.

I'm not going to lie. I teared up. While everyone smiled and laughed at how adorable all the kids were, and how the littlest of them lagged behind the rest, but ran so, so hard anyway, and how the big ones outpaced Screech, beaming with pride, and how the whole hoard of them passed by the finish line opting instead for a second lap - I stood there and fought tears.

It hurts. It hurts every time and it hurts in ways that are never new and somehow always fresh.

I watched as the girl with bouncy curls sprinted back to her dad for a high-five, her joy and his pride meeting in a sudden clash. I watched as the girl's little brother came to receive a high-five, just as exuberant, just as proud. I watched as they took a photo together at the finish line, all their smiles almost too big for their faces - a genetic trait that makes those kids look just like dad. I watched mom, taking photos and cooing to baby whose smile will morph to match his family's so everyone can take one look at him someday and say, "You must be so-and-so's kid."

I pulled myself together just before the actual race began, swallowing the tightness in my throat because I need to breathe now and fighting the ache in my chest because starting a race with pain is never a good way to go. The pain's not supposed to come until after mile two when you're already so close to finishing that last mile you can fight through anything.

There's a metaphor there, if you can find it.

A little over a week later, Zack and I are sitting in a room with a chart of the male reproductive system on the wall and an IV stand on wheels and a tiny examination table that makes me wonder what they do when largely overweight patients have appointments.

The doctor is in the room too, sitting in the computer chair, but spun to face us, leaning one elbow against the top of the silver trash can and using the other to gesture as he explains our infinitesimal probability of conception, with intervention of course. And there was a moment, sitting in that doctor's office, where I stared at this man's face and thought, This isn't real. This isn't really my life. This is what doctors say to people on TV shows where it turns out okay in two episodes, or those cheesy Christian movies where everyone forgives each other without lingering heaviness and has clean homes all the time and well-groomed pets who come when they're called except that one time when they run off barking to introduce you to a stranger who will change your life. While I should have been paying attention, I instead studied the doctor's little rimless glasses and his swoopy gray speckled hair and thought of how the first thing he said when he walked in the room was that the cooler weather was "good for sperm."

And I had to shake myself out of it and focus. Because this wasn't a surreal out of body experience, much as it feels that way some times, this was my life. This is my life. And I needed to be paying attention instead of wondering if the leather almost-fanny pack the doctor wore was, in fact, a fanny pack, or if it was instead some crazy cell phone case that he wore in an awkward location because this man has a medical degree, after all, and deals with men's special places all day everyday, and he probably wears black dress pants with white socks to fancy dinners and he's got to be just a little off the edge of normal for all that.

And here I am listening to this maybe-fanny-packing man tell us that it would cost us nearly $20,000 for a 20% chance that we might get pregnant. That it would require surgery and hormone injections and both of us to be in operating rooms at the same time because if they have to use frozen sperm there's maybe a 10% chance of success. Of course, he says, we could pay that $20,000 only to have the first part of the procedure fail and then we're just screwed out of every penny we don't have anyway.

And who is this guy? I never imagined anyone but my husband would look at me and tell me exactly what he's going to do to get me pregnant. But here it is, happening. Like, dude...at least buy me a cup of coffee first. And who is this man who hands us a pamphlet at the end of all this with a picture of a chubby cheeked baby on the front? And what well-intentioned idiot made the pamphlet in the first place? Are you TRYING to rub it in? Because the front of the pamphlet says something quippy about giving you "every conceivable chance" and the picture on the pamphlet shows you something you'll never obtain, and isn't it all so hilarious and cute?

When we got home, it took everything I had in me to not toss that pamphlet straight in the trash. I think the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want my husband to know how much getting that stupid, useless information bothered me. Because there's no way that's even remotely a possibility for us. Not only financially, but just considering the risk factors and long term effects given our unique medical circumstances. The stress of doing that and knowing we would have literally ONE shot at it (maybe two, if we're lucky and want to go through surgery twice and want to cough up $40,000, which for us to do, would mean selling the soul of our firstborn...which would really defeat the purpose anyway). Because of the medical complications we have, we can't do round after round of IVF, even if we wanted to. We can't get one sample to freeze for all of eternity, even if we wanted to. And even if we wanted to, we'd still be left wrestling with moral questions and ethical questions and every other "what if..." that exists when you're talking about some pretty serious medical interventions to create life.

This appointment - this news - is in fact just what we were expecting to hear. It's what we'd read about. It's what the doctor had indicated over the phone. But regardless, there's still that small part of you that goes in hoping for a miracle. And when that small part dies, it suddenly becomes not so small. As if piercing that bead of hope leads to an inky mess that spills out and out  and out, creating an endlessly hungry black hole in its place.

Sometimes the black hole is quiet. You don't even know it's there. It is so dark, so much a void, that it seemingly ceases to exist. Life carries on.

And sometimes the black hole is dragging you toward it, stretching your bones as it sucks at your feet, pulling you deeper into something you could not escape, and maybe wouldn't even want to if you could.

Sometimes the black hole feels manageable, ignorable, leaveable. There are other galaxies out there, after all. A whole world of something else.

Sometimes that other world of something else feels exciting. It has so much potential and so much good - different good than this world - but still good.

And sometimes that other world feels like a pale shadow. A knock off of the brand name. Sometimes it feels second best, and I don't want it to. I want that world to feel like everyone says this world should: "Best thing that ever happened to me."

But I'm not sure that other world will, and I'm scared it won't ever, and I'm scared I'll wake up one day living in that world and realize that I'm not really living in it so much as existing and that I'm still gazing with longing at that first, vibrant world getting slowly eaten by the black hole and wishing that there were someway I could have lived there instead.

And as much as I know in my head that everyone says that won't happen, convincing my heart and preparing my soul for that change is a process, and it's not one I feel should be rushed. I don't need it encouraged out of me. I don't need emotional liposuction. I need to work out. I need to adjust my diet. I need a new lifestyle, and I need all the pain that comes with making those changes.

So rather than hiding these doubts and fears, rather than smothering them in the frosting that people tend to smear over the bits of burnt cake we wish didn't exist, instead I'm sitting in it. Wrestling with it. Waiting for my heart to grow, and my soul to find peace, and my mind to recognize that the unknown is a beautiful thing and something that will be even more beautiful when I know it. And for now, in this time of unknown, I am learning to stretch new muscles and find new dreams and give grace to my own unrest until it's quieted for the next step.

Dream Update: Week 29

As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).

Without further ado, here's week 29:

July 30:
I dreamed my mom told my siblings and I that our "biological dad" was very sick -- also, surprise! Apparently we were all adopted, and this was the first we'd ever heard of it. We went to the hospital to visit him and he died that night. A few days later was the funeral. I wasn't even planning to go (because I didn't know this guy anyway) but my mom came into my room in the morning and woke me up. She informed me that we would each have a chance to speak at the funeral. I told her I had nothing to say, and she looked surprised at this. I started crying then and went on this tirade about how I'd never heard of this man before - and he hadn't cared enough to send a card on my birthday or a gift at Christmas or attend my graduation or my wedding or anything. "I know nothing about the man except that he's a selfish bastard, and I certainly have nothing to say at his funeral!" I screamed. At the end of this tirade, all the lights in the room burnt out and we had to replace all the bulbs.

My locker buddy from high school Barbara left her notebook behind when she left the room we'd been hanging out in. I flipped through it, reading bits of stories she'd started and looking at some of her drawings.

My track 4x800m relay team failed miserably at sections - coming in seventh out of the eight teams there. We all felt like we could have run faster.

July 31:
I was hanging out around the back of my high school when this really tall, big guy with some mental disabilities pulled me aside. He said he had three problems he wanted my help with. It took him a long time to manage to get them out, but I waited patiently. Some other mean guys walked paste and taunted us about hanging out together ("K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"), but I ignored them. The guy's problems were: one - the teasing, two - trying to ask this girl to prom, and three - struggling to speak without stuttering. I gave him advice on how to handle these things, and he gave me a big hug in appreciation.

August 1:
I dreamed Mr. O (my volleyball/track coach and teacher) was teaching us in my old 6th grade classroom. He was telling us about Mac 'n Cheese (for whatever reason). Matthew (from my class) pulled a box from somewhere and shook it. When he did, the box then started singing this little jingle (sort of like the cereal boxes from Minority Report).

Then the whole class was in a Battle Royale-ish situation, and outside, creating pointed stick traps for other kids on this dark stormy island.

Suddenly we were back in the classroom and it was lunch time. I went with Lauren, Alyssa and Anna (friends from high school). They all wore their letter jackets. I said I'd have to find mine from storage at home. Barbara told me that my brother Tyler had said something mean to her online. I went over to talk to him about it. He was playing invisible Pokemon Go in the air with his friends Jericho and Mitch (I'm not sure exactly how this worked, but it made perfect sense in the dream). I finally got his attention and we went outside to walk so I wouldn't embarrass him in front of friends. But his friends kept following us. Eventually I asked them to leave and had a chance to ask him about what Barbara had said. He said he hadn't done anything and went back to lunch.

I went into this bathroom to wash up, but I got my shirt all wet when the sink spayed all over and didn't know what to do because my phone was dead and no one knew where I was. I tried to dry it out but no luck. Then I had this box of food I had to get rid of (I'm not sure why). I tried to squish it down the tub drain but it clogged it up and made the food all soggy and gross. Eventually I found an apron thing and put that on over my wet shirt and returned to class only a little late, leaving the soggy food in the tub.

August 2:
I dreamed that Ryan (guy I dated) showed up unannounced at our church. Zack was not particularly happy to see him. Ryan asked us if we could give him a ride to the airport that night. Zack said no, but I said I would. His flight didn't leave until 11, which was going to be a late night for me on a work night. I convinced him to run in the mud run obstacle course the church was having up and down hills that day after the service. The church had fake ice cream sundaes with all these crazy toppings. You were supposed to make one at the start and see if you could carry it all the way through the course. Ryan made fun of it and how easy it was.

Rachel (from Friends) bet Ross (also from Friends...obvs) that she could get more money than him begging on the street. At that point "the street" become LCA's hall, just outside the library. Rachel made a sign asking for change and every one just walked by her. She challenged Ross to do better. He made a sign asking for $2. He got it within seconds.

This woman who was pregnant and also carrying a baby in her arms suddenly went into labor nearby and handed her baby to Rachel and this middle aged couple who happened to be nearby to watch while she went to the hospital to have her baby. The couple had to take the baby down the elevator to do laundry. The basement was super creepy and abandoned and way lower than a typical basement level, but the washing machines were really nice and were in a long row with fancy gas stoves too (because apparently this was also a kitchen). A man from the apartment building cooked at the gas stove and talked to the couple while they did their laundry and watched baby. The baby-watching man admitted his one regret was not having one more child and now they were too old. The woman agreed. The chef gave them a salmon sushi roll to try. The man loved it. I became woman then, and the sushi was disgusting (because I don't like fish). Then the man and I decided to adopt, inspired by spending time with this random baby.

August 3:
I was driving from LCA back home going past the community center. My car was making all sorts of crazy noises and I was driving very poorly. This made me think, "Hold on. This can't be real. This has to be a dream," so I looked down a my hand, remembering that in dreams they say you don't have five fingers, always more or less. But I counted and I had five, so then I figured that this can't be a dream and must be real.

I looked down the hill and there was this mother and daughter sitting on the side of the road. The daughter had "muscular not-dystrophy." They had some long medical word they used, but all that stuck for me was "not-dystrophy". I stopped my car and got out, offering to take them to a clinic, but they said they'd walk. Seeing their state, I insisted. They came and got in my car then. Everyone was honking at me because I'd stopped in the middle of the road.

August 4:
I dreamed that there was this Asian family hosting my wedding rehearsal dinner in my old church basement. Will, Anna, and Matt D (all friends from high school) were there. Matt told me I couldn't be in any photos before I put powder on because my face was too shiny. I was sad because I didn't have anything with me so I knew I wouldn't be in any of the photos. Will kept teasing at being very un-gentlemanly to all us girls in dresses by stealing our chairs and not holding doors etc. but then actually being a gentleman and holding the door or getting us a chair or what have you.

Then I dreamed that I was an old bird watcher man in the library on my first day volunteering. I didn't know what to do so I was wandering around looking for a task. They called me out on the loud speaker and I was embarrassed.

August 5:
I was hunting with Sam from the TV show Supernatural. We came across this male vampire who I made run away after an epic fight with it, but I knew I hadn't killed it. Then it came back and I was like, "Really? I'll just beat you again." So we fought again, but this time he had gotten stronger. He pushed me into this desk and pinned me there, preparing to bite. I hit him just as I had the last time to make him flee, but this time the hit didn't phase him. I grabbed a pencil hoping to stab in his chest (wooden stake to heart, I thought) but it wasn't strong enough to pierce his skin. I pretended to pass out then, and he walked away looking for Sam, still not having bitten me. When it was safe, I followed after the vampire, hoping the surprise him and finish him once and for all. And I did find him. Except when I did, he was in this street dead-end alleyway, kneeling over his wife, who was currently in labor and about to have a baby. I didn't want to kill them then, especially not her and baby, but I also didn't want more vampires in the world. So I stood paralyzed watching, trying to solve this moral quandary.

Then I dreamed that I talked to my dad on the phone, but I don't recall the content of our conversation. I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with vampires though.

Then I dreamed I was visiting a place where this girl had died recently. People left trinkets on the padlock holding the crime scene closed as tribute to her.

Dream Update: Week 28

As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).

Without further ado, here's week 28:

July 23: 
Mr. O (my high school volleyball and track coach) said he found a loophole that would allow me and Jenny (co-captain) to come back and play volleyball for one more season. He told Jenny he needed her because they didn't have someone to play outside hitter, and he thought she would do well in the position. He then told me that he already had a "big bad middle hitter," and I'd have to fight for my position. I was nervous because of how long it's been since I touched a volleyball. I don't know how that battle went in the end...I hope I beat out the current middle hitter and got one more season of game time though!

The Doctor (as always, 10th...that's my doctor guys...the only one who has EVER appeared in my dreams), my brother Tyler, myself, and a few others got sucked up onto this space ship that was run by Daleks. The whole ship was basically one giant pop can which the Daleks were planning to use it to reflect the sun down to earth to destroy it. We all ended up escaping and running to the shiny metal part that would be the bottom of the pop can and laying on it to cover it up and save the world. The Doctor worked some of his magic and made the ship slowly shrink until it was just a crumpled pop can back on earth.

July 24: 
I was playing volleyball and Sam P. (a kid a few grades below me in high school) was on opposing team. He served to us, but served his glasses over instead of the ball. Anna (volleyball teammate) missed the first serve and I encouraged her that she'd get it next time. Again with the apparently-legal glasses serve and another miss. And again. Frustrated, I went to the ref and argued that you can't play volleyball with glasses. The ref said she already had points down with them so it was too late to change now.

Then I was going to a wedding on the beach with some friends. We arrived late and had to walk down the aisle right behind the couple to get to our seats. Mark and Melissa (friends of my sister) were guests at the wedding as well.

Then I was at mall waiting to meet up with Zack and our friend Caleb (who I haven't seen in forever). While I was waiting, I bought a Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Zack and Caleb arrived and they ALSO had bought an ice cream cake. We grabbed forks and dug in. And yes, it was delicious in every way.

July 25:
I was at LCA (high school) and couldn't find my locker (I was looking for the one I had my junior year on left side of hall when coming from Spanish room). There were little half lockers lining some of the hall and then the regular full ones that are actually there. I knew I had a full one, but they were all empty so I couldn't tell which was mine based on what was inside. Eventually I figured out my number was 35. My friends Alyssa and Lauren were there as well helping me out.

Someone (I don't recall who) and I scaled the side of this steep cliff. About halfway up, this guy leans over from the top and shouts to us, "Why don't you use my sled dog team?" I tell him we don't need his team and were perfectly capable on our own (sounds like something I'd say). So we scramble to the top and he introduces us to all his dogs. They're giant and fluffy and mean, growling and nipping at us as we say hello. The man explains that every year he leaves one dog at the top alone for the summer. Then tells us story on how a miniature donkey become his lead dog, and was amazing at it, but then it was the donkey's turn to be left on the cliff for the summer and the other mushers, consumed with jealousy, came and killed it. After that, the man had a fox lead instead, but the other mushers didn't like that either, and they shot it during a race. Mushing's hardcore stuff.

July 26:
My dad and Papa Tony had been out working on my car and thought they'd gotten it fixed. Then my dad became Darth Vader and demanded I go out to look at my car right away. It was winter so I asked if I could get a jacket and shoes first. He consented. Outside, I took my car for a test drive and the brakes wouldn't work. I weaved through the neighborhoods, narrowly avoiding people and trash cans and things, and eventually ended up behind this school where a police officer was breaking up a brawl between two kids. The officer had his gun out right away, which I found odd considering it was just a little school yard tussle.

Eventfully the officer got the kids separated, but then one of the kids turned into an adult man. I switched between being the cop, the man and myself throughout the remainder of the dream. The man had been pulled over 441 times by the police but only ticketed 4 times. The gun made a lot more sense then.

Tawnya, Charlie and I watched a train go by. It had rubber tires for some weird reason and they squeaked against the rails uncomfortably.

July 27:
I was in DGT's (childhood church) parking lot when my little nephew Marek ran up to me and I picked him up. I held my niece Natalie's hand and went inside with her and Mason (my other nephew). Nothing really happened here other than that, but it was nice anyway.

I was at work trying desperately to get my a scanner to work. Eventually I figured it out but then I lost my debit card, which doesn't really affect the scanner at all, but it distracted me from my victory.

There was a fancy alumni dinner at UNW and one of the alum's snobby little daughters made me rub her feet. All the alums were watching a show sort of like Dear Reader, but it wasn't Harry Potter. It was a different movie with Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe in it. Afterwards the bad guys (I have no idea what I mean by "bad guys" here...apparently there were bad guys...) forced me to go back to my office instead of home. On the way, there was a car accident in the hall (yes, you read that right). A raccoon was bleeding out and the paramedics were trying to save him. A noble cause.

I finally got back to my office and continued looking for the debit card I lost but to no avail. Servant of King who ordered me there was being a jerk (okay, I clearly did not do a good enough job with my bleary notes after this night's dreams...I have no idea when a King came into the picture, but okay). I had to keep demanding he listen to me, but he kept not cooperating.

Matt, Nicole, Tyler, and I played this game involving a shop vac, a blue bouncy ball and a hula hoop. I was winning but then they all ganged up on me and in the end I lost. Go figure. I think there have definitely been times in real life where their goal has been nothing more than "make sure Heidi doesn't win."

July 28:
My niece Natalie was a toddler again and was looking for Nicole. I helped her find her. Nicole had this "French-designed" ear wax sucker. It was a long skinny tube attached to what looked like a red mini-wind-bed. It was also disgusting and sucked up so much stuff. Gross.

Kate and I went to yoga together despite her being very pregnant then met up with a group of friends she said were from her church.

Jenna and I were listening to an audio book about a teen girl who has something to do with spiders and bullying. I asked Jenna if she had to tell people what the book was about, what she'd say. As she started to answer, this van almost backed up into us and she got interrupted.

July 29:
There was an event held at UNW outside of Riley by all the pillars. They had some yard games set up, but it was really pretty disorganized. As people started heading inside, Drew (who used to work at UNW when I was a student there) asked me to try to coordinate a game inside instead. So I had everyone build a race track for a marble to go down out construction paper and tape. Then everyone raced their marbles to see who could make their marble roll farthest. My team with Alyssa and Lauren won. Then I had to work front desk phone (bleh) and a person who called couldn't hear me when I answered (this happens occasionally in real life when covering the front desk and you have to yell into the phone and you feel really pretty stupid).

I was at a high school class party with Anna, Will, Lauren and some random Asian chick. Asian chick was ignoring me, so I was sad. No one else would acknowledge that she was doing it though and they told me to get over myself. I broke down crying and Will have me a hug.

Dream Update: Week 27

As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).

Without further ado, here's week 27:

July 16:
I woke up and there were three snakes under the covers of the bed - one tiny black one and two larger black ones. I freaked out and told Zack to make sure they didn't get away while I ran through our very jumbled, mostly-in-boxes apartment looking for empty boxes to trap the snakes in. Instead, I found a teeny-tiny bottle (like the kind they put seashells in and sell on Florida beaches to tourists). Zack managed to cram the tiny snake in there somehow. The second snake I trapped with a large plastic bin. He hissed and then turned from black to orange, yellow and tan spotted. I flipped him up in the container so he wouldn't squeeze out the bottom then went for the third and now (because it grew somehow) largest snake. I missed my first time, landing the container halfway across his body. He wasn't happy about that. Then our cat Kahlua came to investigate. I narrowly pulled her away before she got bit. When I looked up, snake #2 was still in his container but was sitting up real high and pretty like a cobra. And I knew he could get out if he wanted to.

Two custodial students were washing UNW's indoor track so I couldn't run. Instead, I ran in the hall outside the racquetball courts. This mom and her two kids stopped by me. The kids did my cha cha abs routine with me.

July 17:
My mom, dad, Nicole and Tawnya all went to live with the West family (my sister's husband's side of the family). My parents built an expansion on their house and they agreed to live together to try to save money. I went into Nicole's room (which looked like her childhood room with mint green walls) and she had floor to ceiling closets on half the room just stuffed with clothes -- mostly sports jerseys. I asked her why she never wore them because I thought sports jerseys were super cool. She just kinda shrugged.

Then I was going on a walk with the fam and they said they'd moving out from West's after all. Apparently they'd had some disagreement about who they should have come out to fix the dining room table. West's wanted this old friend who was really slow and not responsive. I remember my dad saying, "Business is business."

The trail we were walking became very muddy then and my parents remembered they had moved the truck closer so we'd actually walked past it already. We turned around and trudged through the mud back toward the truck. This fancy red mustang (though it said Chrysler on the front) came down the path slowly. I tried to move out of the way but my feet were stuck in the mud. He ran into me, but super slowly, and I climbed up on his hood shouting about the mud. He still didn't stop so I grabbed a piece of his fancy car and ripped it off and then jumped off the side.

My friend Kate and I were meeting up for lunch. I met her at KM (my old workplace) and Beki (old coworker) was there. Beki wouldn't stop talking about this little pink flower she had in a tiny glass case at her desk. Kate was annoyed.

July 18:
I was at a Caribou in a Sam's Club with someone's mom. She was ordering drinks and I was going to wait in line to checkout hoping we'd sync up so that by the time she ordered, I could pay (apparently they had this two line system...sort of like the cut counter vs. registers at a fabric store). I got to the register before she was ready with the drinks though. I explained the situation to the cashier and they sent me to a secondary line. Soon others were joining that line as well. This strange guy ended up behind me and he stood uncomfortably close to me the whole time. Then I saw Alyssa in the line. We hugged and she cried. There was a brilliant rainbow in the purple evening sky with stars.

I was at UNW standing out on the campus green with a cordless drill in hand. There was a concert directed by my 6th grade teacher Mrs. Wright. High school classmate Matt D played a really crazy fast song on the piano. He missed a few notes but no one cared because it was so impressive anyway. I was trying to sneak around the event, but kept getting in the way as people entered/exited the stage.

Then I was at an outdoors class where they teach about how to handle emergencies by acting them out. So this overly obese lady pretended to fall on these rocks and everyone laughed. The guide said, "No, it's quite serious." Then an old lady was attacked by a bear. I'm pretty sure that was real and not a skit, but who knows for sure.

July 19:
At my childhood church at some sort of party. There was fried chicken and a bunch of my friends were there, only things weren't going super well. It was dark and rainy outside.

July 20:
Jill B (one of my mom's friends) met me in the hall at my old school LCA. She told me about the fire she had for my mom and asked that I "make a siren to give it to her" (I have NO CLUE what that means now..that's what I wrote in my notes). I had no idea what she was talking about (apparently I had no clue then either) but agreed nonetheless.

Later, Jill found me and again iterated how important this fire thing was. I again pretended to know what she was talking about. Later I met up with my mom who was pregnant and in labor (weird). We were in this parking lot and Jill came up to the car, surprised to see no fire on my mom. I explained that, "I figured you'd given it to one of my siblings and they got confused, so I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass you." (This was perfectly logical in the dream.)

Jill then explained that the fire is a fake metal fire that you buckle around your ankle and it's supposed to bring you luck. Of course! And that would need a siren because...because...fire ankle luck...

Then Zack and I were riding in a car with Chelsea (one of my college roommates). We went to her grandparent's house and met her grandpa. Zack and I were whispering to each other about how he was a total Druid, or possibly Ranger, while he led us into the trees explaining along the way what they were and how to use them. He was frustrated that others didn't use the forest like he did and that they cut down all the food trees.

I was in Renaissance time with the Doctor (10th, obviously), and had a book I had to smuggle to someone. I scaled a castle wall on a rope like those chandelier ropes people cut and ride up in the movies. I then distracted a party by ordering drinks for everyone so I could sneak through them without anyone following me.

July 21:
At my childhood church again. There were various camps being held there (soccer, dance, etc). I was manning a station in the lobby with my co-worker Megan. Out of nowhere, this UNW lady comes over demanding to have three interviews scheduled for Kelly (other coworker) immediately. She already has times picked out, but Kelly has stuff on her calendar for those times already. I try to explain this and the women becomes completely indignant that I won't schedule these interviews for her. She's yelling at me in the lobby and telling me how horrible a job I'm doing. Then I learn that these three people have already been interviewed and she's just wanting Kelly's assessment back.

I dreamed I was a crazy person in a rehab center. I was about to graduate but was only tricking everyone into thinking I was sane. Our final project was using play doh and markers to write a sort of final pledge or message that would be handed to the main staff doctor at graduation. We all made ours and had them approved but after everyone had left the room, I changed mine to say something else that was less than kosher. Mwa-ha-ha-ha.

Finally, I dreamed I was going to marry this guy and I was wearing a highlighter yellow tube top an white tutu. At the last minute I realized I didn't love him and jumped in a taxi, asking to be taken to a thrift store that accepts fabric. The taxi dropped me at this seamstress's house where I have to climb flight after flight of rickety stairs looking for her. There are miscellaneous guns all over the place and random stuffed animals (like, taxidermy kind, not cuddly kind). Finally I came upon the woman. She agreed to buy my wedding attire from me, but first asked me to sit with her and watch the movie Babe. She had a ton of cats and was cleaning a rifle.

July 22:
I dreamed that I was a dog hanging out with all these other dogs and watching (sometimes live and sometimes on TV) America's Got Talent. A boy with some sort of mental disability came on and made spaghetti and meatballs while spouting various quotes from and about Porky Pig. We dogs argued about whether he should go on to the next round or not.

Then I was in this twisty parking ramp in Duluth. It was raining. Tyler was there too. I'm not sure where I was trying to go, but wherever it was, I couldn't seem to get there.

Dream Update: Week 26

As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3 a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings).

Without further ado, here's week 26:

July 9:

I was at a party of some kind with my mom, her friend Gail, my aunt Robin, cousin Emily and some other ladies. Opening gifts took forever because all the ladies wanted to ohh and ahh over everything. Emily and I just wanted to go play giant four square in the yard (somehow chalk and 4-square on the grass with two people was going to work out super well).

Then I dreamed that I was taking my daughter to her first day of third grade at a new school. As we walked to her classroom, I realized that neither of us were wearing pants. Luckily, everyone else was in front of us. We slipped into the empty coat room in the classroom and dug through the bins and backpacks there. I found a pair of purple fuzzy sweatpants, and she found over-sized tan corduroys. People made fun of both of us for our pants, but we were just grateful to have them. 

At the school, three goody-goody girls in the class had written a sort of quiz book. The obviously correct and "Christian" answer was always the longest. I found it annoying, especially because the other answers were very short and all from other religions, and I wanted them to at least show respect by not oversimplifying other people's beliefs.

I was taking an eye exam and the doctor was doing the "which is better, 1 or 2?" thing. I couldn't decide though (which is very much like real life), so someone else who was sitting nearby watching kept telling me which was better. I was confused why they were deciding for me what I could see best, but I kept agreeing anyway and going with whatever option they chose for me.

July 10:

Some previous coworkers from KM (including Kay and Jochen) were at a company party. We were playing Catch Phrase, and it was my turn. The card I drew first didn't have words on it but instead had pictures and actions. They let me draw again. My second card had words, but they were really weird. One was "people taking other people's tests." A more normal one was "examination." When I started describing that one, the guessers turned into the cast of Friends. They guessed "exam" but couldn't remember what it was short for. Finally someone got it.

When leaving the party, Kay rode a bike and I drove. My car was totally out of control, and I kept running red lights, driving in the wrong lane and being incapable of stopping.

My brother Tyler was a little kid again (like 4) and had jumped in the pool. He came out shivering and cold. I gave him a big fluffy towel to wrap up in. Then he had something in his eye so I got a corner of the towel wet with warm water and held it against his eye. He kept trying to rub it, and I told him not to. When the corner got cold, I got a different part wet with warm water and held it on his eye again.

July 11:

I was trying to get to class at my high school, but was always late. 

I was at a Molly's (a girl who went to my church and school's) grad party with my mom and looked at my watch. It said 11:30 a.m. except the sky was dark and stars were out. I then learned that it was actually after 3 p.m. and my watch was wrong (not that it being 3 in the afternoon explains the stars either). Realizing I was late once again, I ran to class but couldn't find my locker, so my friend Barbara helped me find it (we had lockers next to each other all through high school). But when I got to my locker and opened it up, it was virtually empty inside. I couldn't find the right notebook and folder for Mrs. Eskola's science class, so I just grabbed a random one and ran to class. Then my friend Anna and I went to Burger King for lunch. By the time we got our food, we were late returning for Mr. O's class.

I dreamed Arden (my college dorm building) was on fire. Alyssa (friend and college roomie) and I escaped. Emily, Matt and Josh (all from high school) were all present as well.

July 12:
Zack and I were leaving this hotel room that we'd been living in for years. The hotel manager had never come to check up on it/us, and we were having trouble remembering what items were ours and which belonged to the hotel. Specifically some fake flowers and suitcases were cause for confusion. My mom and sister Tawnya were there helping clean as well. I talked to my nephew Charlie on the phone. He kept saying "I want to go to Grammie's house!" (which is definitely something he's said to me in real life...multiple times)

So, while they were finishing packing, I was trying to put on my makeup in a bathroom that looked just like the hall bath at my childhood house, but everyone kept interrupting me with questions.

Then I dreamed something about adolescent kids learning about their maturing, changing bodies and them being all giggly and uncomfortable about it.

July 13:

I slept very restlessly, so I ended up dreaming about not being able to fall asleep and checking the clock trying desperately to get to sleep before my alarm was set to go off. 

I dreamed about exploring this little town with my mother-in-law Carrie, siblings-in-law Emilee and Tucker, and Zack. We ended up at this really lame carnival with carnival and arcade games. You would win tickets which you could then use to get prizes. Emilee got some tickets, and I was trying to convince her to get Dove chocolates (raspberry and blueberry!) but she didn't want to.

I dreamed about our new house and trying to move stuff in. It wasn't going well for some reason, though I don't recall the details.

July 14:

I remember there was a giant velvet curtain, like the kind in old school theaters. Then I dreamed again about moving, and about trying to answer a child's question, "What does God look like?"

Then I dreamed about watching a ballet at the children's theater in Duluth, but then instead of ballet it was football. Two friends from high school, Lauren and Anna, were there with me. Lauren said she don't care one bit about football and was pretty sure Anna cared only if her team was playing.

July 15:

Dreamed they made a new Harry Potter movie for the "new generation." My niece Natalie was so excited to see it but was not allowed to until my sister Nicole had a chance to prescreen it. Nicole made the comment that Natalie refused to let her vacuum the house until she saw it (nervous about sucking up the movie I guess?).

I tried to toss a ball around outside, but it was all squishy and floppy, partially stuffed with cotton and heavy and weighted weird.

Dream Update: Week 25

As one of my resolutions on my 26th birthday, I decided to record every dream I have for the next year. I blearily type notes into my phone each morning and pretty much just correct typos before posting here. My rules: I won't post something that would embarrass someone else (things I find embarrassing are another story). I only record dreams I recall upon waking up in the morning (no 3a.m. bathroom break or post-nap recordings). 

Without further ado, here's week 25:

July 2:
I dreamed I had been talking to this guy (not anyone specific I know in real life) a lot recently and we'd become good friends. One day, we're hanging out with my family at my old house when suddenly he gets a ring box out and gets down on one knee.

I feel happy for a moment and then think, "Wait, no. I'm married. And I don't like this guy like that. And I DO like Zack like that." So now I'm freaking out and make an excuse to leave with my mom. I pull her into her bedroom and I explain the predicament. She says that I'll have to say no. But I'm worried, because what if he isn't really asking me? What if he's just playing a prank, or showing me what he has for some other girl in a goofy way? So I can't say no first. I have to let him get it all out.

We go back and now he has a box of six giant cupcakes. He asks which I want to eat, and I say I really can't because I'm feeling sick to my stomach. My oldest sister Nicole says I need to play along and that she and my other sister Tawnya will help. So my sisters eat most of the cupcakes, and I manage a bite or two of a chocolate one. Then my friend opens the ring box. It's this little pink ring with a heart shape on it, which is so far from what I would be interested in. Tawnya tells me secretly that I don't want to live my whole life with a ring I don't like with no diamonds in it; she says I can get a better one later.

That ended that dream...apparently knowing that I didn't have to live with the ring forever is what I was worried about.

So then I'm with the cast of Critical Role (an RPG show) on stage at my old church. We're all in costume and playing this half-table topping, half-larping session. Mercer, the DM, brings back this troll NPC everyone loves and he, Percy and I find a secret door under the stage where a bunch of rotting blankets are stored under the insulation. We start exploring, crawling under the stage in the dark on our bellies. Percy goes furthest in only to start being pulled underground by giant attacking ants. I can't reach him, so I'm desperately trying to do something. I cast hold person and then can't remember if I have the spell or not. While I'm frantically looking for it on my spellsheet, the troll starts grabbing at my feet from behind, trying to yank me out. Kicking him off, I find that I don't have hold person, I have feather fall which is useless in this scenario. I try to throw Percy a rope, but he is sucked under by the ants and the troll pulls me out onto the stage. I decide to trick the troll, saying I have a present for him, but he has to follow all my rules to get it. Rule one: don't touch me.  It works.

July 3:
Jerry P, my kindergarten Sunday school teacher's husband, was in this Professor X-esque wheelchair on a spaceship. I went around with him helping him get things done. The spaceship was decorated in one of two ways: either in dark maroon velvet drapes or standard silver metal spaceship.

July 4:
I was hanging out at a lake with my family (parents and my three siblings) when these stupid people on 4-wheelers came up the road by us. They went to their trailer, and I noticed they had little turtles and two big ones on their steps. I confronted them about not keeping those animals, because they were wild and needed to be free, and they got all awkward, not knowing what to say. I told them they had to bring the turtles back where they found them and let them free, but they sent them free right there. I got mad because we were by the ocean (suddenly, somehow) and these turtles can't survive in salt water. Later, as we were then back at the lake, I dreamed that my siblings and I played a trick on my dad and dragged him into the water off the dock.

Then I dreamed I was going into the hospital for a blood test. I got paperwork to complete and took it up these stairs with a glass railing to a circular balcony lined with patients, each sitting at little stations filing out their own paperwork. I found an empty station and sat down only to see I was next to a crazy lady who insisted on reading aloud any words she saw. She stole my chart to read aloud, but only her, me and her caretaker heard.

Zack and I were trying to buy two bags of sweet potatoes at the store. They were on sale for $7/pound. The lady at the register couldn't figure out how to ring them up with the sale, though, and charged us $7/bag instead. I accepted it, because I figured the bags weighed more than a pound anyway, so we were getting an even better deal.

Dreamed I was at work, except instead of being work, it was in my high school's basement. Getting there was hard because I was coming from my old house with my mom and Tyler, and I couldn't find the right shoes to wear, and really all I wanted to do was play this fascinating computer game where you get to choose your own adventure. I put on shoes and mom said that first, they didn't match my outfit, and second, they were hers. When I finally did get to work/school, Adam was there and we talked about hockey, which is weird because I know nothing about hockey in real life and I'm pretty sure it's not Adam's thing either. But of course, out of nowhere, there was this mini ice arena, so we and a few others put skates on and practiced.

Then my mom and I went out on the ocean on a Sea-Doo together. Tiana, my sister-in-law, was there as well, but on a Sea-Doo of her own. Then the ocean changed into Lake Superior, and we were dodging giant ships and such. My mom jumped us really high over massive waves.

July 5:
My friend Anna and I both got parts in Northwestern's production of "Revenant, the Musical" as part of the chorus. I received a welcome card, but never got instruction for rehearsals. Rebecca, the children's ministry direction from my childhood church, was directing the production, and I thought she was just being insane and not having the "extras" practice, opting instead that only those with roles needed to practice.

So, I arrived early at church (not Northwestern, for whatever reason) the night of the performance, but all the cast members were already there, lined up, to walk to the DECC, where the performance was. This is when I found out they'd been rehearsing all along. I asked Anna why she didn't tell me or ask why I wasn't there for rehearsals, but she didn't know.

So, we arrived at the DECC to a full audience. I was considering watching that first night, and then joining in the next day, but then I found my parents in the crowd. Then I had to perform that night, because they came all that way to see me. I stopped by my parents to tell them what had happened while everyone else went back stage. I couldn't find my way back, and they made fun of me. I reminded them that it was my first time here, since I'd never been invited to rehearsals. Then I realized I had no costume. I asked Rebecca about it, and she got angry at me. She said to just look around and figure it out. Everyone else was wearing shorts and swimwear, so I just wore my bra and rolled up my jeans as much as I could.

I faked it through the play and once was the last person on stage because I hadn't realized everyone else had exited. As I closed the door to backstage, I noticed at the last moment that the door had jingle bells on it. They were super loud as the door closed. Everyone laughed at me. I again reminded them I had no clue what I was doing.

I faked my way through a couple trio parts. Jeremiah, someone who went to my highschool, a few grades ahead of me, came backstage part way through saying how sick he was, but since me was a primary character, he couldn't stop the show. He gagged and looked sick, and then "threw up" chocolate treasure chests filled with caramel. Everyone ate them. I was reminded how weird theater people are.

I dreamed there was a team of people exploring these ruined buildings from the past. On the edges of their excavations were rough communities and bars and things, but the excavations themselves were only more dangerous, filled with lots of vile creatures. I led the quest to this old room with antique furniture with dragon heads carved on it. We spent an uncomfortable night in the ruins because some people didn't pack right and/or got into their sleeping bags with their outdoor clothes on and were therefore cold all night.

July 6:
My nephew Marek and I were playing a game where I'd set him a short distance from Nicole so he could run at her and tackle her legs. But after a while, he got sleepy and laid down on the floor for a nap.

Then I was riding in the car with Zack driving on Snively Road in Duluth. He coming up on the stop sign really fast.

"Stop!" I told him. And when he didn't slow down, I repeated, "Stop stop stop!"

We blew through the stop sign only for me to realize that I was the one driving, and he'd been in the passengers sleep napping. I realized I'd been asleep at the wheel and dreaming. I pulled over and woke him up so we could switch drivers.

July 7:
I was in the hall bathroom at work, which is this little one-stall bathroom, and I heard this whole group of people led by Jim outside the door. I realized that the vent in bathroom somehow connected to vent in my office, and the music in office was way loud in bathroom. I wanted to wait for the group outside the bathroom door to go away, but they lingered. So I washed my hands and walked out into this group. My friend Jason was there for New Employee Orientation, I greeted him, excited that he was going to be working at the same place as I was, but he said he wasn't Jason. His name tag said Tim Tebow. The group then demanded I come along on their tour with them.

My father-in-law Dave was driving a large suburban with Hunter, Carter, Zack and I all having to squeeze in the back bench seat. We were going to the grocery store to drive those electronic scooters around. Because what else are you going to do on a Saturday morning?

July 8:
I dreamed we were doing our final walk through at our house, but during the walk through realized it shared a wall with the neighbors. We never noticed that before. The neighbors also had two constant waterfalls over their doors that became a river that ran over to our side along the porch/sidewalk. I asked who paid for the water for all that. (Always so pragmatic.)

Inside, the previous owners were still having breakfast and had only half their things packed. It was awkward.

After closing, we took the keys and went to move in but the mom was still there and had a bunch of stuff (plants, furniture and kids toys) still left. I told her she had to move out now but she argued back. I said I'd give her an hour, and she said she'd take however long she wanted. She also had lunch prepared because she was having guests/movers over for a moving out party, and said she wouldn't leave until after lunch. I told her the house was not hers any more and that she was not allowed to be there any longer. (PS: We closed on our house for real on July 12..and we did not have any unexpected waterfalls, shared walls, or breakfast/lunch parties. Hooray!)