September 16:
There was some event at my old church (VBS maybe?)....aaaand something about driving some sort of water/submarine type vehicle. It was all very hazy.
September 17:
I dreamed that I was getting married at an outdoor ceremony at a very oversized version of my grandpa's old house in Moose Lake. While we were all still getting ready prior to the ceremony, it started raining so the wedding party ran under a big white tent. I was fine with the rain and the sudden change of plans, but one of my bridesmaids was sobbing and freaking out about the day being ruined. We went inside to get her cleaned up. There we found my sister Nicole, brother-in-law Matt and their kids as well as Matt's sisters Molly and Carly. All of them were wearing Vikings pajama pants. After calming the bridesmaid down, I ran into my cousin Jamie. She told me she was mad because I didn't come to Thanksgiving the year before.
Later I dreamed I was on a helicopter tour flying over a city with a big river running through it.
September 18:
I was staying with my mom and dad in a fancy high-rise condo. I painted half a wall red so I could use it as a backdrop for a costume photo. Then I painted my face blue (I remember specifically with Snazaroo paint) and put on my Mystique costume.
President Obama showed up then and when I addressed him as such, he looked at me and said, "Call me Commander Chief Overlord." He gave me a hug and I told him I appreciate the tone and tenor of his voice, especially in light of the current voices we're hearing running for office.
Later (still at the condo) there was a baby and some others visiting. Everyone was sitting in lawn chairs in the living room. I watched the baby for a bit then gave her back to her mom. Baby crawled under a table and tried to eat some Legos that were left there. I saw this and ran over, getting the Lego out of her mouth before she swallowed it. Everyone blamed me that she'd gotten to the Lego in the first place, even when I tried to explain that I'd handed her off to her mom. The house also had a glass cage with a hamster inside...just an added random detail I guess.
September 19:
Zack and I got a new black and white cat. The cat didn't adjust well though, and pooed in the food dish and peed outside the litter box. Not the ideal situation.
Alyssa, Jenna, one or two others, and I were competing in a 5k mud run. We had to go down a giant slide at my old house and get past a certain line at the bottom before we slowed to a stop. We kept missing the mark and having to walk up the hill over and over again. The girls slowed down so I had to keep encouraging them to get them up the hill, which I ran up each time. When we were finally successful, we moved onto the monkey bar obstacle set up at my high school. It was late and dark by that time, but we went anyway because I was determined to finish no matter how long it took.
We found a baby in the swing at the school's playground, but there were no parents around, so we called the police. Alyssa and I played on the tire swing and took a bunch of selfies together.
September 20:
I dreamed that Zack woke me up at three in the morning to get ready for the Renaissance Festival. I was so excited that I couldn't go back to sleep. I was getting ready in a diner that hadn't yet opened for the day. The diner was built out of an old boxcar. There was a Grumpy's down the street where Matt and Jenna agreed to meet, but then Jenna wasn't able to make it and Matt didn't want to go since she couldn't.
Then I dreamed my house caught on fire. I watched from the street outside as the roof caved in and erupted in flames. My heart was pounding so fast I went to the hospital to get checked out. They had wheelchairs shaped like airplanes. I draped myself over the back of one and got to the counter to check in. The doctor used his stethoscope and took my blood pressure with it somehow (it was 113/70). He said in was fine. I said obviously not (although I'm pretty sure that's a perfectly normal blood pressure).
September 21:
I dreamed that I was driving to my old job at Knowledge Marketing and a light on my dashboard lit up. It said: "no aux engine oil@" and also "reserve tank low." I'm not sure what "aux engine oil" light was, but the reserve tank was a smaller bonus tank of gas that your car would go to when it was on Empty. The tank cost double per gallon to fill (not sure how that worked). When I finally did get to work, no one knew how to train me in on the job and then they assigned me to train in the new person.
Zack and I had a lengthy discussion with the producer of a tv show similar to Project Runway about how our world is not setup to allow you to fail or be wrong, so everyone is always trying to be perfect but need really learning because of it. Instead, people experience shame when they fail, but they shouldn't.
I dreamed my friend Adam was counseling this young boy at a Disney amusement park. First he referred to the boy as "little boy" but then he quickly amended to "young man." Zack and I wanted to go on a Disney cruise but it was going to be way too expensive, so we didn't do it.
September 22:
I dreamed I was taking two newbies surfing for the first time (disclaimer: I've never been surfing myself in real life). We wiped out on this massive wave, and I tumbled back to shore. But they didn't. I searched the water frantically but never found them.
Zack was in a screamo band and, after his band did a show at this little pub that was not well received, he got back up on stage and started this song in response to the crowd's boo's. The song was just screaming over and over again, "All five songs of our main core suck! All 5 songs of our main core suck!! All 5 songs of our main core...suuuuuck!!!!" The crowd loved it.
Our friends Joel and Sarah went out with us for Zack's birthday. After buying us an expensive dinner and drinks, we decided to play some pool. Sarah asked if we could split the cost of the game but Joel looked at her like she was crazy and said, "On his birthday? I don't think so! We got this man." I said, "No really. We don't expect you guys to pay for everything. We're happy to split the cost." But Joel paid for it anyway.
I dreamed I was being held captive in a dingy medieval prison. The guards wore helmets with giant deer antlers on them (a la the huntsmen at the Manor - thank you current D&D game).
Friday, January 20, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Twenty-Seven
For the last year, I have been recording every dream I had, every single day.
And let me tell you - I'm exhausted.
It's really tiring to have the first thing on your brain every morning be, "Quick! Jot some notes down before you forget!" Every. day. Every dreary Monday. Every lazy Saturday. On Christmas and the Fourth of July. On days when you just want to lie there and stare at the ceiling for a while to let the haze of sleep wear off slowly.
But I'm glad I did it.
And I'm glad I'm done.
Or...well...mostly done. I'm still working on compiling my months of notes into coherent enough snippets to post here for all to see, but tomorrow morning when I wake up, I won't be jotting more notes in my phone. I'm pumped.
But it's a new year - today I turned 27! And that means it's time for a new goal.
I mean a real letter. A physical thing with a stamp and handwriting.
That's 52 letters.
Maybe they'll be to 52 different people. Maybe they'll be 52 letters to the same person (oh, you poor soul to have to read my rantings every week!) Maybe they'll be short or long or just plain awkward. The art of letter writing is on the verge of extinction; I know I'm rusty for sure. And in the age of digital communication, it's even more challenging. It's like you need an excuse to send a letter as opposed to an email or Facebook message or text or Snapchat.
So, here's my excuse: it's my goal for the year.
Watch your mailboxes, people! And I don't mean refresh your web browser. I mean make friends with your mailperson.
Now off to buy some stamps...
And let me tell you - I'm exhausted.
It's really tiring to have the first thing on your brain every morning be, "Quick! Jot some notes down before you forget!" Every. day. Every dreary Monday. Every lazy Saturday. On Christmas and the Fourth of July. On days when you just want to lie there and stare at the ceiling for a while to let the haze of sleep wear off slowly.
But I'm glad I did it.
And I'm glad I'm done.
Or...well...mostly done. I'm still working on compiling my months of notes into coherent enough snippets to post here for all to see, but tomorrow morning when I wake up, I won't be jotting more notes in my phone. I'm pumped.
But it's a new year - today I turned 27! And that means it's time for a new goal.
So here we go - my goal for this new year of life:
Write and send one letter every week.
I mean a real letter. A physical thing with a stamp and handwriting.
That's 52 letters.
Maybe they'll be to 52 different people. Maybe they'll be 52 letters to the same person (oh, you poor soul to have to read my rantings every week!) Maybe they'll be short or long or just plain awkward. The art of letter writing is on the verge of extinction; I know I'm rusty for sure. And in the age of digital communication, it's even more challenging. It's like you need an excuse to send a letter as opposed to an email or Facebook message or text or Snapchat.
So, here's my excuse: it's my goal for the year.
Watch your mailboxes, people! And I don't mean refresh your web browser. I mean make friends with your mailperson.
Now off to buy some stamps...
Monday, January 9, 2017
Dream Update: Week 35
September 9:
My friend Jenna was at our old apartment and wanted me to make some vegetable dish for dinner. I needed a couple things from the store, including bottle of dressing because, although I had some, it was old. So we hopped in my car and as we came to an intersection, Jenna reached over to adjust the radio. Somehow her doing this got in the way of my ability to reach the brake pedal. I swerved into the turn lane to give myself extra time to stop and managed to stop just in time, but then we were going the wrong way and got lost. She offered to just scrub the labels off my expired bottles instead...because that'll help.
My friend Anna came over and I was going to play wiffle ball with her, but she refused no matter how much I told her the balls wouldn't hurt even if they hit her. It was nighttime and dark out anyway, so I'm not sure what I was thinking.
September 10:
I dreamed that Zack was running a D&D, but I was playing Viska. The whole party was inches from dying from this evil woman who was a cook at this sucky gas station diner. I told Zack that if Viska died here, I was still going to play her in our usual campaign because this wasn't canon anyway.
September 11:
I dreamed that I carried our cat Kahlua into the state fair. Naturally she was freaking out. I introduced her to my friend Will and his sister Rosa and all her kids, who greatly enjoyed petting Kahlua.
Then they all ate Taco Bell, but it was like a healthier version (whole wheat tortillas and fresh tomatoes and such). Then I took a ride down a lazy river on a motorized floaty air mattress. As I went down the river (which took on the feel of Venice at some point), people started thinning out until there were just a few of us left. Soon I was the only one on the river and there was no one on the sidewalks either. I ended up at a wall with a grate in it that the river continued through but the raft wouldn't fit. I got out of the water only to find myself face-to-face with this guy in a yellow t-shirt who I'd bumped into at the fair earlier a couple times. We were on a brick sidewalk among all these brick pillars and archways, lit only by a few orange streetlights since the sun had set. He approached me and I said hi and began walking toward the nearest building.
"I know you've noticed me a couple times today," he said, following after me. "But you didn't notice me at the cotton candy stand. Or when you pet the baby cows. Or when you rode the Ferris wheel."
Now I was getting freaked out, because I definitely didn't notice this stalker guy all day, but I didn't want to make him mad. So I tried to walk a little faster and casually said, "Yeah, I've had a busy day."
I was about to reach the doors of the building when he grabbed my arm and whirled me around to face him. He was holding a knife, but I wasn't scared so much as I was very, very alert. I was thinking, Where's my nearest exit? Does he look serious or just empty threat? Is he insane or level-headed about this? Can I stall long enough and hope someone else comes down this dead end lazy river path to help?
I don't remember what happened then, only that next thing I knew I was inside the building and walking toward little restaurant. It has all this decadent, albeit worn out, furniture strewn around it with antique lights and big potted plants scattered around. There was a small window to the kitchen and that area is all modern stainless steel and dark gray and purple paint. It was super clean and the chef was working back there getting things ready.
I started talking to the owner of the restaurant, this very nervous older gentleman, who came out to greet me. I told him that window should be larger since their kitchen is so fantastic. I argued that people would feel better about the somewhat threadbare furniture if they knew the kitchen was tip-top. As I moved into the restaurant telling the owner my other suggestions, I realized that the only customers inside were all women of around the same age - like mid-40s - and all very pretty and all very serious and all watching me. I realized too late that they were all vampires (not the owner, he just worked for them) and that they intended to make me one too. They brought me into this back room where there were all these dark velvet drapes and a big poster bed where I was supposed to rest after they'd bitten me. I don't remember what happened after that except I woke up in the bed later with blood all over my neck and the sheets.
September 12:
My friend Anna was going to the Regionals competition in Speech and was trying to figure out what to wear. She had on a skirt and blazer, but the skirt was a little too short. She said she'd just sew fabric on the bottom. Such a problem solver.
I dreamed I was at my old job at Knowledge Marketing and was going to happy hour after work. I had my cat Kahlua in the car all day though, so I took her into the bar with me so she could stretch her legs. I got a booth in the corner where she'd be out of the way, but then no one came to sit by me, instead opting to sit at a busy table in the middle. I had a drink alone and then left. I guess I have a subconscious fear that my cat will be my only friend.
September 13:
I talked to these women who had developed a fitness game. I had some issues with how the game was set up. They were offended at first, but when I explained my reasoning along with the things that I thought were good about the game, they became more receptive. One of them offered to give me a dental exam (why? I don't know) but when I got in the chair it became clear she was a cosmetologist and not a dentist. She had me swish with argon oil from an aerosol can and spit into a sink that had a hot curling iron in it. Yikes.
September 14:
I was hanging out in my office at work with Jenna, Adam and a guy from an RPG podcast I listen to. Adam was telling me about Magic the Gathering and how I really ought to give it a try. Meanwhile, as I was sitting behind my desk, I realized that I wasn't wearing pants and quick pulled a blanket over my legs before anyone noticed. Adam asked if I was cold, and I said yes. He thought that was weird, but Jenna caught on and helped cover for me until I could sneakily pull some jeans on. No one except her caught on. Whew!
I dreamed that Zack and our brother-in-law Matt were trying to get a photo by the ocean with a floating sun in the back. The sun kept disappearing just as I took the photo though so we never got the photo they wanted.
September 15:
I dreamed that we bought a house with all these half-step rooms (like where there's suddenly a "stage" a few feet up or down in the same room). My mom and I were discussing if we could use the glass from the coffee table to cover one of the "down" areas to make the room all level. There was a HUGE TV stand/shelving unit and a big sectional in the room to deal with too.
I dreamed that Zack and I went to Hawaii. While there, he discovered a Pizza Hut stand on the beach. He said it was "the last one left ever." He wanted pizza for breakfast, but I said no. Later, I struggled to pick out a swimsuit for the beach.
My friend Jenna was at our old apartment and wanted me to make some vegetable dish for dinner. I needed a couple things from the store, including bottle of dressing because, although I had some, it was old. So we hopped in my car and as we came to an intersection, Jenna reached over to adjust the radio. Somehow her doing this got in the way of my ability to reach the brake pedal. I swerved into the turn lane to give myself extra time to stop and managed to stop just in time, but then we were going the wrong way and got lost. She offered to just scrub the labels off my expired bottles instead...because that'll help.
My friend Anna came over and I was going to play wiffle ball with her, but she refused no matter how much I told her the balls wouldn't hurt even if they hit her. It was nighttime and dark out anyway, so I'm not sure what I was thinking.
September 10:
I dreamed that Zack was running a D&D, but I was playing Viska. The whole party was inches from dying from this evil woman who was a cook at this sucky gas station diner. I told Zack that if Viska died here, I was still going to play her in our usual campaign because this wasn't canon anyway.
September 11:
I dreamed that I carried our cat Kahlua into the state fair. Naturally she was freaking out. I introduced her to my friend Will and his sister Rosa and all her kids, who greatly enjoyed petting Kahlua.
Then they all ate Taco Bell, but it was like a healthier version (whole wheat tortillas and fresh tomatoes and such). Then I took a ride down a lazy river on a motorized floaty air mattress. As I went down the river (which took on the feel of Venice at some point), people started thinning out until there were just a few of us left. Soon I was the only one on the river and there was no one on the sidewalks either. I ended up at a wall with a grate in it that the river continued through but the raft wouldn't fit. I got out of the water only to find myself face-to-face with this guy in a yellow t-shirt who I'd bumped into at the fair earlier a couple times. We were on a brick sidewalk among all these brick pillars and archways, lit only by a few orange streetlights since the sun had set. He approached me and I said hi and began walking toward the nearest building.
"I know you've noticed me a couple times today," he said, following after me. "But you didn't notice me at the cotton candy stand. Or when you pet the baby cows. Or when you rode the Ferris wheel."
Now I was getting freaked out, because I definitely didn't notice this stalker guy all day, but I didn't want to make him mad. So I tried to walk a little faster and casually said, "Yeah, I've had a busy day."
I was about to reach the doors of the building when he grabbed my arm and whirled me around to face him. He was holding a knife, but I wasn't scared so much as I was very, very alert. I was thinking, Where's my nearest exit? Does he look serious or just empty threat? Is he insane or level-headed about this? Can I stall long enough and hope someone else comes down this dead end lazy river path to help?
I don't remember what happened then, only that next thing I knew I was inside the building and walking toward little restaurant. It has all this decadent, albeit worn out, furniture strewn around it with antique lights and big potted plants scattered around. There was a small window to the kitchen and that area is all modern stainless steel and dark gray and purple paint. It was super clean and the chef was working back there getting things ready.
I started talking to the owner of the restaurant, this very nervous older gentleman, who came out to greet me. I told him that window should be larger since their kitchen is so fantastic. I argued that people would feel better about the somewhat threadbare furniture if they knew the kitchen was tip-top. As I moved into the restaurant telling the owner my other suggestions, I realized that the only customers inside were all women of around the same age - like mid-40s - and all very pretty and all very serious and all watching me. I realized too late that they were all vampires (not the owner, he just worked for them) and that they intended to make me one too. They brought me into this back room where there were all these dark velvet drapes and a big poster bed where I was supposed to rest after they'd bitten me. I don't remember what happened after that except I woke up in the bed later with blood all over my neck and the sheets.
September 12:
My friend Anna was going to the Regionals competition in Speech and was trying to figure out what to wear. She had on a skirt and blazer, but the skirt was a little too short. She said she'd just sew fabric on the bottom. Such a problem solver.
I dreamed I was at my old job at Knowledge Marketing and was going to happy hour after work. I had my cat Kahlua in the car all day though, so I took her into the bar with me so she could stretch her legs. I got a booth in the corner where she'd be out of the way, but then no one came to sit by me, instead opting to sit at a busy table in the middle. I had a drink alone and then left. I guess I have a subconscious fear that my cat will be my only friend.
September 13:
I talked to these women who had developed a fitness game. I had some issues with how the game was set up. They were offended at first, but when I explained my reasoning along with the things that I thought were good about the game, they became more receptive. One of them offered to give me a dental exam (why? I don't know) but when I got in the chair it became clear she was a cosmetologist and not a dentist. She had me swish with argon oil from an aerosol can and spit into a sink that had a hot curling iron in it. Yikes.
September 14:
I was hanging out in my office at work with Jenna, Adam and a guy from an RPG podcast I listen to. Adam was telling me about Magic the Gathering and how I really ought to give it a try. Meanwhile, as I was sitting behind my desk, I realized that I wasn't wearing pants and quick pulled a blanket over my legs before anyone noticed. Adam asked if I was cold, and I said yes. He thought that was weird, but Jenna caught on and helped cover for me until I could sneakily pull some jeans on. No one except her caught on. Whew!
I dreamed that Zack and our brother-in-law Matt were trying to get a photo by the ocean with a floating sun in the back. The sun kept disappearing just as I took the photo though so we never got the photo they wanted.
September 15:
I dreamed that we bought a house with all these half-step rooms (like where there's suddenly a "stage" a few feet up or down in the same room). My mom and I were discussing if we could use the glass from the coffee table to cover one of the "down" areas to make the room all level. There was a HUGE TV stand/shelving unit and a big sectional in the room to deal with too.
I dreamed that Zack and I went to Hawaii. While there, he discovered a Pizza Hut stand on the beach. He said it was "the last one left ever." He wanted pizza for breakfast, but I said no. Later, I struggled to pick out a swimsuit for the beach.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Dream Update: Week 34
Recording every dream I have for 365 days...
September 3:
I went to my parents house to find that my dad had all his camping stuff super-mega organized, but very thing else in the house was an absolute disaster.
I then dreamed that my niece Natalie sneezed like 29 times in a row and then refused to wash her hands.
My sister Nicole wanted forcibly dye my hair to "make me feel better" (though I'm not sure now what about exactly).
September 4:
I dreamed that I was a show manager on The Bachelor. The show was held at Northwestern, and I had to try to wrangle all the contestants and their drama. It was horrible. Basically just a lot of tears and girls trying to sneak out to see the Bachelor. One girl tried to crash his one on one with someone else!
Then I dreamed I was out and about somewhere and I ran into this guy who came up to me freaking out and saying, "No way! You're Viska!" (my D&D character). After he gushed for a while more, he asked for my autograph.
September 5:
I dreamed that I was Viska (guess I was thinking about her a lot!) and I was in this impossibly tall old house (sort of like my sister's awesome historic home). I did a lot of sneaking around because I wasn't supposed to be there (very Viska-like). I then discovered that Vikings lived there. They were absolutely brutal. They'd taken prisoners and late at night brought them to this room. I crept along with the group to see what was going to happen, but the Vikings discovered me. They made me watch as they brutally executed each prisoner. I got word somehow that there was a prisoner who had drown herself in the pool upstairs rather than let the Vikings kills her. I thought that if I could get there fast enough, I could get her out and do CPR to save her. I took of, running up flight after flight of stairs and finally got to the pool, diving straight in and pulling the woman out. I started CPR and a moment later she spit out a bunch of water and started breathing again.
I dreamed I was in a big garage at my Uncle Todd's house. There were Great Pyrenees dogs running around everywhere, which was super awesome. Zack and I managed the office part of my uncle's construction business, but then the workers made Zack go help pour concrete in his office work clothes, and I had to help lay brick. There were worms under all the old brick we pulled up. It was horrible. One of the workers had long curly red hair that was tangled in a mass heap the dome of his hard hat.
September 6:
I was in my childhood home's living room at Christmastime. My friend Jenna was there because she wasn't able to go home for Christmas that year (we were in college at this time). Our Christmas tree was primarily decorated with fake birds.
Then I dreamed I was at an amusement park. My mother-in-law Carrie and I ate separately from everyone else in the Schlottman family so we could catch up. We ended up meeting this little boy with his distracted, texting dad. We ended up accidentally on a roller coaster with them (not quite sure how, since we both had agreed not to do big rides). The dad texted the whole time. Another girl on the roller coaster had a band aid fall off somewhere along the track, and they had to shut the ride down and bring maintenance in to find it.
I dreamed that an overweight woman got angry at me for wearing a bikini in the pool, saying it wasn't "appropriate swim attire." I reminded her that bikinis are common swimwear, but she continued to argue. Another larger woman got in the pool, also wearing a bikini, but the woman said nothing to her while continuing to berate me. I accused her of discriminating based on body type. If a bikini was inappropriate for me, then it was inappropriate for everyone, right?
Then I dreamed I was in the 80s, and this one spoon I have currently in real life was the most common spoon back then. I don't know why, but that felt so important.
September 7:
My niece Natalie drew a picture of herself, her parents, her brother Mason, my sister Tawnya and I. We were all pirates and had cool captain's jackets and swords. Nicole's jacket was red and black while Tawnya's was black and gold.
Dreamed that I was a child at attending the fair. At one of the exhibits, the ring leader guy asked for two male volunteers. I volunteered anyway. He said we'd be working with a scratchy pig, as if that would dissuade me. I said I was perfectly capable of that. The pig was mean and had big teeth. He charged one of the on-lookers who glared back until the pig left. The on-looker also had big teeth, but the ringleader told us that the pig charged because the man was "projecting negativity."
I dreamed my brother Tyler and I were trying to play Boggle, but he insisted on using the wrong board for it and a bunch of extra pieces from Monopoly and other random board games. After playing, we transplanted my little tree into a larger pot and added special soil that my dad gave us from the boundary waters. It had clam shells in it.
September 8:
I was attending Northwestern with high school classmates Anna, Ronne, Matthew and some others. Matt was in ROTC and was training a golden retriever named Max. Max didn't want to get in the car with us, but then Matt got a treat and Max jumped right in. Matt had diabetes and had to give himself insulin shots all the time. Anna said she had diabetes too, but the hospital refused to give her insulin for some reason.
Then Anna and I went to this half-bridge where you had to crawl under this little hinged slat to get inside (I'm not really sure how the physics of this worked...sort of like a room below the bridge but not one you could see from the outside). It was really hard to get back out, like one of those animal traps that only allow the creature to go in one way. We barely managed to escape.
September 3:
I went to my parents house to find that my dad had all his camping stuff super-mega organized, but very thing else in the house was an absolute disaster.
I then dreamed that my niece Natalie sneezed like 29 times in a row and then refused to wash her hands.
My sister Nicole wanted forcibly dye my hair to "make me feel better" (though I'm not sure now what about exactly).
September 4:
I dreamed that I was a show manager on The Bachelor. The show was held at Northwestern, and I had to try to wrangle all the contestants and their drama. It was horrible. Basically just a lot of tears and girls trying to sneak out to see the Bachelor. One girl tried to crash his one on one with someone else!
Then I dreamed I was out and about somewhere and I ran into this guy who came up to me freaking out and saying, "No way! You're Viska!" (my D&D character). After he gushed for a while more, he asked for my autograph.
September 5:
I dreamed that I was Viska (guess I was thinking about her a lot!) and I was in this impossibly tall old house (sort of like my sister's awesome historic home). I did a lot of sneaking around because I wasn't supposed to be there (very Viska-like). I then discovered that Vikings lived there. They were absolutely brutal. They'd taken prisoners and late at night brought them to this room. I crept along with the group to see what was going to happen, but the Vikings discovered me. They made me watch as they brutally executed each prisoner. I got word somehow that there was a prisoner who had drown herself in the pool upstairs rather than let the Vikings kills her. I thought that if I could get there fast enough, I could get her out and do CPR to save her. I took of, running up flight after flight of stairs and finally got to the pool, diving straight in and pulling the woman out. I started CPR and a moment later she spit out a bunch of water and started breathing again.
I dreamed I was in a big garage at my Uncle Todd's house. There were Great Pyrenees dogs running around everywhere, which was super awesome. Zack and I managed the office part of my uncle's construction business, but then the workers made Zack go help pour concrete in his office work clothes, and I had to help lay brick. There were worms under all the old brick we pulled up. It was horrible. One of the workers had long curly red hair that was tangled in a mass heap the dome of his hard hat.
September 6:
I was in my childhood home's living room at Christmastime. My friend Jenna was there because she wasn't able to go home for Christmas that year (we were in college at this time). Our Christmas tree was primarily decorated with fake birds.
Then I dreamed I was at an amusement park. My mother-in-law Carrie and I ate separately from everyone else in the Schlottman family so we could catch up. We ended up meeting this little boy with his distracted, texting dad. We ended up accidentally on a roller coaster with them (not quite sure how, since we both had agreed not to do big rides). The dad texted the whole time. Another girl on the roller coaster had a band aid fall off somewhere along the track, and they had to shut the ride down and bring maintenance in to find it.
I dreamed that an overweight woman got angry at me for wearing a bikini in the pool, saying it wasn't "appropriate swim attire." I reminded her that bikinis are common swimwear, but she continued to argue. Another larger woman got in the pool, also wearing a bikini, but the woman said nothing to her while continuing to berate me. I accused her of discriminating based on body type. If a bikini was inappropriate for me, then it was inappropriate for everyone, right?
Then I dreamed I was in the 80s, and this one spoon I have currently in real life was the most common spoon back then. I don't know why, but that felt so important.
September 7:
My niece Natalie drew a picture of herself, her parents, her brother Mason, my sister Tawnya and I. We were all pirates and had cool captain's jackets and swords. Nicole's jacket was red and black while Tawnya's was black and gold.
Dreamed that I was a child at attending the fair. At one of the exhibits, the ring leader guy asked for two male volunteers. I volunteered anyway. He said we'd be working with a scratchy pig, as if that would dissuade me. I said I was perfectly capable of that. The pig was mean and had big teeth. He charged one of the on-lookers who glared back until the pig left. The on-looker also had big teeth, but the ringleader told us that the pig charged because the man was "projecting negativity."
I dreamed my brother Tyler and I were trying to play Boggle, but he insisted on using the wrong board for it and a bunch of extra pieces from Monopoly and other random board games. After playing, we transplanted my little tree into a larger pot and added special soil that my dad gave us from the boundary waters. It had clam shells in it.
September 8:
I was attending Northwestern with high school classmates Anna, Ronne, Matthew and some others. Matt was in ROTC and was training a golden retriever named Max. Max didn't want to get in the car with us, but then Matt got a treat and Max jumped right in. Matt had diabetes and had to give himself insulin shots all the time. Anna said she had diabetes too, but the hospital refused to give her insulin for some reason.
Then Anna and I went to this half-bridge where you had to crawl under this little hinged slat to get inside (I'm not really sure how the physics of this worked...sort of like a room below the bridge but not one you could see from the outside). It was really hard to get back out, like one of those animal traps that only allow the creature to go in one way. We barely managed to escape.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Nativity and the Heart of God
Christmas became an interesting time for me this year. I say "interesting" in a very Minnesota-passive-aggressive way. You know...
"That's an interesting sweater choice."
"He's an interesting fellow."
"What an interesting idea."
Those times in which "interesting" really means just about anything but.
So let me try again.
Christmas took on a unique kind of loss-fueled joy for me this year. And though it has everything to do with all the chatter of virgin births and images of a round belly covered in soft blue robes, it's not what you think it is. The concept of Jesus' arrival as an infant doesn't cause hurt in a new way in the face of our infertility diagnosis, not really. I mean - God as baby is never something we'd dreamed of and hoped for. It's a hope that's already been fulfilled. Nothing lost there.
Instead, I am reminded of journals I'd written years ago in which I marveled that one day (someday) I would know a little of what Mary felt. That I would understand what it was like to carry a child inside and wonder what he or she might become. That I would feel her same pain and joy. That she and I would have some unique bond that "all women" share.
I am quickly realizing just how many women are excluded from "all women" - and it's something I never would have been so sensitive to before. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that rather than connecting with Mary who is long dead, I instead get to connect to women here today who are hurting in much the same way that I am.
But there's something even better.
So much better.
And I'm still only beginning to grasp it.
I may not have this mystical, biological connection to Mary that, for whatever reason, I always dreamed about. That's true.
But God (if there ever were two better words in life, I haven't met them yet)...But God adopted us.
God, in the ultimate show of love and the ultimate triumph over grief and despair, calls us children of Light when we otherwise would be children of Darkness.
As Zack and I prayerfully and tentatively reach out to the new world of adoption, I'm realizing that instead of connecting with Mary, I am being drawn into deeper understanding of the heart of God. It's a part of God I wouldn't be exploring so intimately without this push.
I'm learning that God's longing to bring us into His kingdom is powerful enough to take the hard road. (Adoption, we are discovering, is like wading into a war zone where you try to make sure you take as many stripes as you can to protect the child in the midst of it...and we're only at the point of emotionally diving into adoption; already we're feeling the winds start to pick up.) I'm understanding in a very real way how God's adoption of us isn't an addition tacked onto His "real" family - it is His best. It's Him stamping his name indelibly over our hearts, a shining beacon saying, "This one...this one's mine. And I'll fight like hell if you try to take them away from me because I fought hell to get them here."
So Christmas was interesting this year.
I'm letting go of what I thought I knew and making room for so much more than I thought was possible. My scope has been widened to include more. It's a more that we don't often hear about or celebrate. It's a more that has been illuminated this year by strings of lights and a child in a manger, one who came to this world to sign our adoption papers with his blood.
"That's an interesting sweater choice."
"He's an interesting fellow."
"What an interesting idea."
Those times in which "interesting" really means just about anything but.
So let me try again.
Christmas took on a unique kind of loss-fueled joy for me this year. And though it has everything to do with all the chatter of virgin births and images of a round belly covered in soft blue robes, it's not what you think it is. The concept of Jesus' arrival as an infant doesn't cause hurt in a new way in the face of our infertility diagnosis, not really. I mean - God as baby is never something we'd dreamed of and hoped for. It's a hope that's already been fulfilled. Nothing lost there.
Instead, I am reminded of journals I'd written years ago in which I marveled that one day (someday) I would know a little of what Mary felt. That I would understand what it was like to carry a child inside and wonder what he or she might become. That I would feel her same pain and joy. That she and I would have some unique bond that "all women" share.
I am quickly realizing just how many women are excluded from "all women" - and it's something I never would have been so sensitive to before. And I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that rather than connecting with Mary who is long dead, I instead get to connect to women here today who are hurting in much the same way that I am.
But there's something even better.
So much better.
And I'm still only beginning to grasp it.
I may not have this mystical, biological connection to Mary that, for whatever reason, I always dreamed about. That's true.
But God (if there ever were two better words in life, I haven't met them yet)...But God adopted us.
God, in the ultimate show of love and the ultimate triumph over grief and despair, calls us children of Light when we otherwise would be children of Darkness.
As Zack and I prayerfully and tentatively reach out to the new world of adoption, I'm realizing that instead of connecting with Mary, I am being drawn into deeper understanding of the heart of God. It's a part of God I wouldn't be exploring so intimately without this push.
I'm learning that God's longing to bring us into His kingdom is powerful enough to take the hard road. (Adoption, we are discovering, is like wading into a war zone where you try to make sure you take as many stripes as you can to protect the child in the midst of it...and we're only at the point of emotionally diving into adoption; already we're feeling the winds start to pick up.) I'm understanding in a very real way how God's adoption of us isn't an addition tacked onto His "real" family - it is His best. It's Him stamping his name indelibly over our hearts, a shining beacon saying, "This one...this one's mine. And I'll fight like hell if you try to take them away from me because I fought hell to get them here."
So Christmas was interesting this year.
I'm letting go of what I thought I knew and making room for so much more than I thought was possible. My scope has been widened to include more. It's a more that we don't often hear about or celebrate. It's a more that has been illuminated this year by strings of lights and a child in a manger, one who came to this world to sign our adoption papers with his blood.
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